Consider Him.

It’s been a silent past few months. Coming off of “the best 4 years of my life” and “summer’s best 12 weeks,” has made it seem like God has been silent throughout this stage of my life, but he hasn’t- I’ve just been listening to the wrong things.

Being away from my college roommates, away from my college ministry, away from a community of Christian girls my age, away from those that know me best (apart from my family), away from everything that’s comfortable, away from mentors and those who pushed and challenged me has been... well... REAL. And I didn’t like it one bit. I thought, “I must’ve heard God wrong” when I chose to accept my job here in MD and move away from Delaware... there’s no way that he would want me this lonely and separated from everyone else.... but maybe that’s exactly what He wanted... to literally strip everything from me piece by piece to show me what I was really standing on.

A few weeks ago I had by far the worst night at work I’ve had in the 3 months I’ve been working as a nurse in a Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. I just barely made it out the hospital doors before I burst into tears... I naturally started praying and I felt like the Lord was saying, “Em, I don’t just want to be your shoulder to cry on.” And that broke my heart...because I couldn’t believe that I had gotten to that point, but when I HONESTLY looked at my heart, that’s what He has been to me these past few months....which isn’t a bad thing, but it is when those are the only moments that have driven me into the Lord’s presence.

From someone who was preaching HARD “whatever the circumstances” this past September... what I have learned since then, and it may be one of the only things, is that it’s hard. It’s FREAKING HARD.

I’m happier when nothing goes wrong at work and when there people home when I get home. And I’m sadder when there’s not. That’s just a fact. BUT my joy should be the same. My worth should be the same. My identity should remain the same- all because it’s grounded on the One who is the same “yesterday, today, and tomorrow” (Hebrews 13:8).

So where in September my prayer was for the Lord to teach me how to be content “whatever the circumstances,” my most recent prayer has been, “how the heck Lord do I keep going, with a genuine heart that reflects a ‘whatever the circumstances’ attitude when the circumstances don’t change over hours, weeks, or months? How the HECK do I press on? How do I persevere?”

For a little reminder (aka smack in the face), the Lord led me to Hebrews 11 and the beginning of Hebrews 12. There seemed to be a few key words that were literally jumping off the page:

“By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command...

By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did...

By faith Enoch was taken from this life...

By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family...

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going...

By faith Abraham, even though he was past age-and Sarah herself was barren- was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise...

By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice...

By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau in regard to their future...

By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph’s sons and worshipped...

By faith Joseph, when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt...

By faith Moses’ parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the King’s edict...

By faith Moses, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God for a short time. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward...

By faith Moses left Egypt, not fearing the king’s anger; he persevered because he saw him who was invisible....

By faith the people passed through the Red Sea as on dry land...

By faith the walls of Jericho fell...

By faith the prostitute Rehab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed...

I do not even have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, and the prophets...THEREFORE, since we have been surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us THROW OFF everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the JOY set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

How do you press on when circumstances don’t change after months? When you feel confused and unsure of what is going on and where life is going? When you miss your friends and fellowship like crazy and just straight up feel alone? When you keep praying and praying and don’t feel a clear direction or leading? YOU “CONSIDER HIM.” And I’ve found that once I stop for a hot second in the midst of my self-pity party and “consider Him,” circumstances may not change, heck they may not EVER change, BUT I have a renewed perseverance to run the race because JESUS did. And it may not be the race I necessarily would’ve chosen- but the one that was chosen and marked out for me by a God who knows me and a God that promises “in all things to work for the good of those who love Him” (Romans 8:28).

Just like the cross wasn’t necessarily the exact path Jesus would’ve chosen, but He chose to pick up his cross anyway because He knew, trusted, and loved His father. That’s a God that’s more than a shoulder to cry on- that’s a God who deserves to be trusted with my everything, WHATEVER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

Tim Keller once said, “God will answer all of our prayers exactly like we would answer our prayers if we knew all he knew."

And what if the Lord does change your circumstances to, in your opinion, more “favorable ones” and answers your prayers “like you would”?

When “good days” at work came my way, or when I was able to reconnect with friends in Delaware, or if we were having a “family dinner” with our mids from the Academy- it revealed the other half of my sinful heart. Half of my heart was losing faith after long hard weeks that turned to months, but the other half was not making time for Him when things were “okay” and more “favorable,” and He slowly started to become, unknowingly in those moments, ‘just a shoulder to cry on.’

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.  

So the most recent cry of my heart has been:

“Keep falsehood and lies from me, give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me ONLY my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, ‘Who is the Lord?’” – Proverbs 30:8-9

Here’s my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.... DAILY... EVERY SECOND. What a beautiful MESS we are.

I realize this post is basically just me re-stating all of Hebrews 11... but God always has better things to say than I do anyways.

Finding joy in every moment as I “consider Him,”

em

AMSTEL 206, missing you always, and wishing California, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Delaware were all just a tad bit closer.... "considering HIM." <3 

Love Him Back.

During my freshman year of college, I was at a conference and I was listening to Francis Chan speak and he got up on the stage and held up the bible and said something along the lines of, “I wish I could just stand up here and say to you all ‘read it and do it’ and then walk off the stage because if we REALLY did that our lives would be dramatically different.” The truth is, these past few weeks, I haven’t really been reading it and doing it.

Sometimes as disciples we can become distracted (by even great things, but nonetheless distracted) and lose sight of the MAIN point and purpose of our lives if we don’t stay grounded in the word.

“Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” – Mark 12:28-31

A lot of us jump straight to the ‘second’ one. We love to love others.... yes, sometimes it’s hard to love those who are “hard to love,” but culturally, it’s more accepted. No one is going to question us when we choose to love others. But why is it so much easier to love others than it is to love the One who gave it all?

Don’t misunderstand me- loving others is 100% a way to love Him back... but is that all He means when He says to love Him with ALL our hearts and with ALL our soul and with ALL our mind and with ALL our strength? I don’t think so.

Loving Him back with ALL our heart:

I sort of want to skip this one and come back... but I’m not going to because then I’d be fleeing what’s hard for me to face. I give away pieces of my heart to idols KNOWING they will never bring me as much satisfaction as the Lord, but I do it anyway because I’m sinful and desire “quick fixes” over “lasting satisfaction.” But even worse than that, I do it because I don’t trust that He knows what’s best for me. I think I know what’s going to bring me the most joy and satisfaction. How could I look at Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross and not trust that He knows what’s best for me? It’s not wrong to desire good things and blessings on this earth, but the key is, do we want them more than the One who gives them to us?

Loving Him back with ALL our soul:

David uses the word “soul” countless times in the book of Psalms and he describes it as “all my inmost being” (Psalm 103). Do I love Him with ALL my inmost being? Am I honoring Him with the motives that lie BENEATH my ‘loving’ actions?

Loving Him back with ALL our mind:

Why do you think Paul has to remind us in Colossians 3 to “set your minds on things above, not on earthly things?”- Because we are SINFUL and will naturally choose to focus on earthly things instead of the eternal perspective that we were intended to focus on. The truth is that this LIFE IS A VAPOR and yet we choose to dwell for hours that turn into days that turn into weeks that turn into months that turn into years about insignificant things when instead we could be investing those thoughts on God and His kingdom- things above- things that are lasting.

The thing is... and I’m going to be brutally honest... you aren’t going to think more about “things above” unless you PROACTIVELY make it a priority. You won’t. We’re humans and we’re sinful and we chose an apple instead of the Lord.

Have I made loving Him back with my thoughts a priority like the priority that He is?

Loving Him back with ALL our strength:

I’m the guiltiest of them all when it comes to this. I somehow justify in my mind this statement, “I’m too tired to spend time with the ‘One who promises rest’ (Matt. 11:28).

When we choose to not love Him with our WHOLE heart, soul, mind, and strength, what we are indirectly saying to the Lord is, “You’re not worth it.” If we were 100% consumed by the truth that Jesus DIED for us, we would “conduct ourselves in a manner WORTHY of the gospel of Christ” (Philippians 1:27).

If you’re like me you may be thinking, “Well I’m human, and I will never be perfect, so I can’t possibly [on this earth] love Him with every single part of my heart, soul, mind, and strength without failing.”  

But does that change the fact that, in light of His sacrifice, He still deserves every single part of our heart, soul, mind and strength? NO.

Wise words from my pal Oswald Chambers remind me “it is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.”

It’s not like He is just waiting around until the day when FINALLY every single part of my heart is devoted to Him and then He is finally glorified- He is glorified every single moment as I choose to say “no” to my sinful flesh and “yes” to His desire and will for my life. We make it so complicated when it is really so simple. The decision or choice may be painful, and the discipline it takes to follow through with the choice may be hard, but God’s call to love Him back is simple and exactly what we were designed to do.

Not only can you take one quick look at the world we live in, but also you can take one quick look at each and every one of our hearts and you can easily see that we have a problem. We are constantly searching for people and things to satisfy us... to fill us... we even do this with the Lord. We spend some time with Him... feel great... and then ‘peace out’ for a few days or weeks until we need Him again and then we are on our knees “praying for Him to satisfy us” as if the problem lies in “a lack of the Lord satisfying us” instead of our own failure “to see that the Lord IS satisfaction.”

The dissatisfaction we feel IS NOT the Lord’s failure to ‘provide more of Himself to satisfy us’- His whole self has already been given to us through His sacrifice.

The emptiness we feel is the emptiness that comes when we choose to invest our hearts in idols that pretend to fill us and consequently fail us.

So let’s stop praying for God “to satisfy us” when He already did that and MORE on the cross, and instead let’s pray that the Lord would remind us of who He is, Jehovah Jireh, our Provider, and all He’s done, His ultimate sacrifice and provision, by allowing our idols to fail us and in turn, molding our hearts to look more like His Son’s.... a heart that truly desired NOTHING ELSE on this earth besides His Father and His Father’s desires.... a heart that loved Him back with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength.

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” – 1 John 4:10

Let’s love Him back because He’s way more than worth it,  

em

"What can I say? What can I do? But offer this heart oh Lord COMPLETELY to You."

Whatever the circumstances.

{Let me preface THIS ENTIRE POST by saying that I recognize that though I am going through a time of transition in a lot of areas of my life, it’s all about PERSPECTIVE: I know Jesus personally, I have an intact family, I don’t need to worry about where my next meal is coming from, I have a healthy body and access to healthcare, and a roof over my head that keeps me safe, warm, and dry- MY BLESSINGS ARE NUMEROUS and I know that my life compared to most people’s around the world, has faced very little hardship if any. I just am seeking and yearning for a heart thats reaction to unexpected/undesirable circumstances, whether big or small, would be one that would continue to grow to bring Christ every ounce of glory on this earth that it could.}   

The past few weeks have been a literal whirlwind. OKAY, OKAY maybe not a “literal” whirlwind (I know I say “literally” way too much)... but they have been busy. To sum it all up quickly:       

• An ELEVEN year season at Summer’s Best Two Weeks, a camp I have grown up at, came to a close 
• My best friend got MARRIED.... MARRIED!  
• I was offered a full-time nursing job in Baltimore in a pediatric Intensive Care Unit (EXACTLY the floor I wanted to work on) three days after returning home from working at camp all summer
• It hit me (a few months late) that I really have graduated college, am currently living at home away from all my college friends, and things aren’t ever going to be “how they were” again
• I FAILED my nursing boards and thought I lost my previously offered job
• BY THE GRACE OF GOD my job decided to “hold my position” until I retake the exam = a LITERAL (proper use of the word there) MIRACLE.

As I look up at that list, though there were “hard points” throughout these past few weeks and moments that didn’t seem to make sense at all, I can smile.... and not just in hindsight “when it finally all makes sense”... but also through the midst of all the uncertainty. Because you see, I’ve “learned the secret.”

Paul, writing to the church in Philippi FROM JAIL, says, “For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” [Philippians 4: 11-12]

In some stages of my life, I have desired “the secret” during those difficult circumstances... when I was “in need, hungry, and living in want.” In other stages of my life, I have desired “the secret” during those times where things ‘were going good’... I was “well fed and living in plenty” and yet still didn’t feel truly content.

But the truth is that “the secret” has nothing to do with the circumstances and everything to do with whether or not you trust the LORD of those circumstances.

There was a moment for me last week where I sat on the floor with my journal after I found out that I failed my nursing boards examination and was facing the possibility of losing my job and wrote this one and only line:

9/8/13 

Because I KNOW you, I love and trust You, whatever the circumstances, Lord.

Did I say that because I was really happy in that moment? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Did I say that because everything made perfect sense to me? No, no and NO.

Did I say that because I knew everything was going to turn out great? Definitely not.  

Did I say that because I’m some super “wise” Christian? HECK NO.

I said that not because of anything I am but BECAUSE of the I AM.

BECAUSE “to live is Christ, and to die is gain” [Philippians 1:21]. 

BECAUSE by turning my eyes to the cross and Christ’s sacrifice I am continually reminded that though it won’t make the situation make sense, it assures me through the midst of it all that there is an unconditional God that loves me. PERIOD.

THAT’S WHY “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” [Philippians 4:13]... that is such a powerful verse that is not just meant to be worn, tattooed, or written for the sake of sports games.... it’s not a “quotable line” for you to feel better in the moment, it’s the product, the natural overflow of a heart that, DESPITE THE CIRCUMSTANCES, completely trusts the One who made it, and who realizes that the “secret” is HIM.

So what does that mean for me right now where I am? It means:

• Whether I go back to camp ever again or not, I’m content NOT BECAUSE I miss it any less, but because He’s never once failed me in leading me and I trust Him.
• If I remain single for the rest of my life, or get married- I’m content NOT BECAUSE my desires to be known intimately on this earth and experience Christ deeper through the blessing of marriage diminishes, but because I am not waiting on anyone to “complete” my heart- it is already being held completely by a God whose love never fails.    
• If I live in a different state than my college friends, or in the same house- I’m content NOT BECAUSE it becomes any easier being apart from them, but because their friendships are constant reminders that He is a God who provided, provides, and will continue to provide.
• If I fail my nursing boards AGAIN and really lose my job or pass my exam and begin my job- I’m content NOT BECAUSE I take failure lightly and can just shake off the disappointment, but because I believe with my whole heart that “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” [Romans 8:28].
• If I am able to move overseas, or if He places a new call on my heart to stay in the USA- I’m content NOT BECAUSE my love and yearning for the “least of these” overseas disappears, but because my love for them is rooted in my love for Christ, and I can rest knowing that the reason my heart breaks for injustice around the world is because HIS does. It’s not “my life,” it’s His...  “Does the clay say to Him who forms it, ‘what are you making?’” [Isaiah 45:9]  

Is this type of contentment a one-time decision? NO, it’s a process... in the book of Philippians Paul says he learned to be content. Tomorrow, next week, or in this very second I could fall prey to satan’s lies, the distractions of the wind and the waves that try to take my eyes off of my Lord (the “secret”) and overwhelm me as I begin to sink.

Battling the wind and the waves means continually fixing our eyes, hearts, and minds on Christ, and it is then that our fear of the wind and waves disappears because we know we’re holding the hand of the One who controls them.

Learning to hold it all in “open hands” while whispering “whatever the circumstances”- because “it’s not about me,”

em

Whether single or married... whatever the circumstances. 

Whether living on Amstel in Delaware or in Annapolis... whatever the circumstances. 

Whether serving overseas or serving in the USA...whatever the circumstances. 

Leave the 99.

So here I am, on my last day off for the summer as I work at Summer’s Best Two Weeks. I am currently sitting in a hotel lobby writing some letters, and my gaze turned to the TV screen... I have been sitting in the same spot for a few hours or so, and a story of a missing teenager has repeatedly cycled through the news programming... my heart was broken for MANY reasons:

The first is that this young girl is missing... my heart goes out to her and her family and all those who know her. I pray that she is found quickly!

But my more consuming thought is this: “What about the rest of them?”

I’m referencing the THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of missing young children... some as young as 4 or 5 that have been kidnapped from their homes and forced to kill their families and serve as either child soldiers or sex slaves in the LRA, a rebel army that once terrorized Uganda for over 20 years, and now terrorizes the Democratic Republic of the Congo, South Sudan, and the Central African Republic.

I pictured how different our news would look if that were happening in our own country.... or even better, if instead we as a human race embraced the fact that WHERE you live shouldn’t determine WHETHER you LIVE. ...Would there be a story on each and every one of the tens of thousands of children who go missing after their families are killed? Would there be an unrelenting search party for each and every one of them?

Why should this response for a missing teenager in the U.S. look any different for a teenager who goes missing in a rural village in northern Uganda?

It shouldn’t look any different, but the reality is that it DOES.

The teenager across the world stays “missing.”... Not because the search party came back fruitless, but because she has no one to be her voice, no one to fight for her.

I’m not trying to argue that it’s the United States’ responsibility to care, pursue, and love every young child, woman, or man oppressed by injustice that they come in contact with or hear about... BUT I AM arguing that it is our responsibility as Christians.

To be a Christian means to be a FOLLOWER and DISCIPLE of Jesus. What do you think He meant when He said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take us his cross and FOLLOW ME” [Matthew 16:24]?

Thank the LORD that the boundaries between countries don’t deter His love and grace from stretching across the ends of the earth to SEEK AFTER (Isaiah 62:12) and pursue every one of us lost sheep as he took up his cross and died for us.... because His love for us isn’t about us or where we live.  

Jesus compares the pursuit of us unworthy sinners to the relationship between a shepherd and his flock of sheep, “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?” [Luke 15:4]

When we have been pursued in this way, the only logical and natural response is that we would GET UP AND MOVE... that we would leave the 99 to go after the 1. 

It doesn’t matter if the 1 is “halfway across the world or right next door,” or if the 1 “deserves it or not,” or if the journey will be “too hard, pricy, or messy,” or whether or not “you will receive a reward for the time spent searching,” BECAUSE IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.... it’s about pursuing others in the same selfless, unrelenting fashion that Christ pursued us.... even though our desire to mirror Christ’s pursuit will never compare to His sacrifice on the cross.

“What can we say? What can we do? BUT OFFER THIS HEART (and life) OH LORD completely to you.”

We’re motivated not out of obligation, but out of an overflowing love for our Savior who gave it ALL for NO REASON AT ALL.

Leave the 99.

Pursue the 1.

Pursue the 1- across the world, in your classroom, at work- anywhere and everywhere.

Thankful for conviction that motivates me to FOLLOW HIM more closely,

em

It's not about you.

Naturally the Lord has been WRECKING my heart over the past few months. It’s been the absolute best... don’t get me wrong though- it’s been hard to have my sin thrown up in my face- but EVERY TIME He unearths the idols I so foolishly root in my heart, even though it hurts, I can’t help but rejoice that He loves me enough to continue to make my heart reflect more of His own. 

Since I last posted I have graduated college.

Let’s just stop there for a moment and rest on that “simple” statement- I GRADUATED COLLEGE. Apparently only 6% of the world right now holds a college degree. So all of you college-degree holders out there, and those who are currently in college- let’s all take a second... and maybe even much longer than a second and LET THAT SINK IN and praise the Lord for providing that opportunity and go DO SOMETHING with it. 

So what am I doing? I’m serving at Summer’s Best Two Weeks until the end of August. I’ve had the blessing to lead a bible study over the summer here at camp. We’ve been working through 1^st Corinthians... and no matter what passage we are looking at, the same exact theme surfaces every time: “It’s not about you.”

My B-STUD girls. They encourage me so much by the ways they are deeply pursuing the Lord- at whatever cost... because guess what? HE'S WORTH IT. 

It’s not about you. It’s not about me. It’s about Jesus. PERIOD.

Seriously though... think of how big of a game changer that would be if we all really lived like that. For example:

• I’m insecure. It’s not about you and how you feel about you- it’s about me in you. The truth is that you are completely unlovable. There is nothing in you that draws me to you- it is for me, through me, and because of me that I love you. While you were still a sinner, I died for you. Your job is to be outrageously and indescribably loved- for no reason at all. When you fail to “live loved,” you fail to live out the beauty of the gospel: it’s not about you, so BE loved my beloved.
• I desire ____ (fill in the blank). It’s not about you and what you want- it’s about you realizing you already have more than enough in me. Stop waiting on a guy, a job, or whatever the next thing is and realize that you already have me, and I am everything.  
• I’m so tired and no one is noticing all the ways I’m serving. Daughter, your statement is a complete reflection of your heart. If you were truly serving for me and only me, it wouldn’t bother you that “no one is noticing.” It’s not about you. “If you are trying to please people, you aren’t a servant of Christ (Galatians 1:10).” The real heart issue here is that you don’t think that I’m enough, because if you did, you wouldn’t be seeking other’s affirmation of you. I see you. Stop serving expecting something in return- EVERYTHING HAS ALREADY BEEN GIVEN TO YOU THROUGH THE SACRIFICE OF MY SON... and when that sinks in, you’ll realize that serving me and only me is the only natural response.
• I’m confused, uncertain, or frustrated. It’s not about you and your comfort or your circumstances- it’s about you trusting me with everything, especially the things you don’t understand, because I’m worth it. I shouldn’t have to continue to “bless you” to prove my trustworthiness to you. Just look at the cross- my sacrifice should silence all of your doubts and remind you (time and time again) that that “trust” has already been gained. Live like you trust me.
• I don’t want to call them out, I’m afraid they’ll misunderstand me and be ‘offended.’ 
• Do you love me more than these? Feed my sheep. 
• Do you love me? Feed my sheep.
• Do you love me? Feed my sheep.

Not only would this be a game-changer in how we tackle circumstances and live life, but it’d be a game-changer in how we love the One who gave it all.  

If you’ve been around the contemporary Christian circle for the past few years, you’ve probably heard of the book, Love Does. It’s a beautifully written book with the biblical concept that love is an action... it moves... it does something.... I just finished reading it and though I completely echoed everything it expressed, I couldn’t help but feel heartbroken. I’m heartbroken because people are thinking that this is a new and radical concept... when the reality is that over 2,000 years ago a man name Jesus lived out the concept of “love does” by DYING for us, and has been calling us to do the same ever since: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” MOVE. DO SOMETHING.

Every single day, but ESPECIALLY the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling like such a mess. It’s hard sometimes to not feel like a mess and failure when the Lord reveals our dirty sin over and over in our hearts.

But guess what? Not only am I a mess, but I like being a mess.   

I like being a mess because it’s in my mess- it’s in my brokenness- that Christ, in His unrelenting nature, molds and breaks my heart to look more like His own- and that’s beautiful.

What a beautiful mess we are,

em

OPEN HANDS.

This post has been a long time coming. And honestly... I’ve put it off for a while because I didn’t want to have to face this simple fact- it has now been 80 days since I have awoken to the laughs of Stephen and Sarita, cooked with Janet under the moonlight, danced with my 17 girls, hopped on and off a boda, and heard the prayers of those who were once oppressed lift HIGH to the One they have entrusted their ENTIRE hearts with.

In other words, I left Uganda 80 days ago and am currently 80 days into my last semester in college. I graduate exactly one month from today.

I can’t even really explain how it was first getting back... I remember it being so strange to climb into my bed and not have to tuck my mosquito net around me... to turn on the shower and immediately feel warm water.... to see food being thrown carelessly away.... to go into the hospital and see an entire private room for ONE patient... to walk into my ministry here at school and to not be able to connect and “find” the Lord amongst the blaring electric guitars, rehearsed songs, and rows of chairs.

I remember people telling me how “proud they were of me” and how “happy they were to see the Lord place such a passion in my heart for those who were oppressed,” and though those comments were meant to encourage me, they left me broken hearted. My desire to proclaim freedom for the oppressed is not a unique thing that He has uniquely programmed for my heart to feel- it’s a characteristic of the Lord’s heart that He is reflecting more and more within me as I grow to love Him more and get to know Him more. All of our hearts are meant to break for those who are enslaved BECAUSE all of our hearts, as believers in Christ, should be seeking to reflect more and more of HIS HEART.

I remember sitting with my closest friends soon after getting back... those who know my heart the very best... and struggling to explain to them the deep convictions the Lord had placed on my heart about how I felt that we were supposed to really live. I could no longer justify spending $30 on that extra shirt... that dinner out... whatever it was knowing that I could invest that very same $30 to allow a child to go to school for an entire year. The barrage of questions from others consumed me... “So what are we supposed to do, empty our bank accounts? Drop out of school? Sell our laptops to feed hungry children?” ....... and yet I couldn’t deny the same still, quiet voice that kept repeating:

“What if that is exactly what I was asking you to do, would you do it?”

You see, it’s not about the $30... it’s about our hearts. I’m not saying that the Lord is asking you to empty your savings account to send hundreds of Ugandan children to school, but the point is, would you if He was?

Just like the widow in Luke 21 put in the offering “all she had to live on,” I believe the Lord is calling us all to live with OPEN HANDS reflecting OPEN HEARTS.

In the book “Finish the Mission,” David Platt says, “Surely this God warrants more than our raising a hand and praying a prayer. Surely this God warrants more than nominal adherence, church attendance, or casual acceptance. This God warrants COMPLETE ABANDONMENT of our plans, our possessions, our hopes, our dreams, and our lives. We lay everything we have on the table before this God, and we say, ‘Use me- my life, my family, my church, everything I have and everything I am- for the spread of your glory and this gospel to the ends of the earth.’ Indeed the ONLY LOGICAL RESPONSE to this glorious God of grace is ‘Here I am. Send Me.’”

The Lord is telling us that what He has designed is not the notion of “I lose and they gain” but rather “I go and give what He has entrusted me with, and we both gain.” It’s a beautiful design that I fear as American Christians we are missing out on... we are missing out on using what the Lord has given us to fight injustice AND IN TURN missing out on experiencing His fullness of Joy.

You know what has scared me the most since getting back from Uganda? There are those days that I get home from a long day of classes, a long day at the hospital, or a long day pouring over job applications, and I climb in bed and I realize that I didn’t think of or pray for my girls over in Uganda at all that day... I didn’t allow my heart to stop for even a second to intercede for those who are enslaved physically or spiritually.

We live in a world that tells us to live with our hands clenched tightly closed hoarding our own “happiness” and accomplishments... and it is in these moments that the Lord sweetly reminds me through my broken heart how freeing it is to let go. To let go of my fears that my Ugandan family has forgotten me. To let go of my plans for next year, 5 years from now, and twenty years from now. To let go of my anxieties about being alone. To let go of my worldly thoughts and “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5).

To let go, TRUST, and experience the fullness of joy He designed the complete abandonment of my heart to find rest in....Himself.

With OPEN HANDS, Arms High & Heart Abandoned,

Em

Handprints On My Heart

I started to write this last post on my drive from Gulu to Entebbe… then deleted what I had and shut my computer for a bit because starting this last post would feel like that this season in my life is over. In one way it is, but in many ways it is not…. But let me first recap my last week here before I start getting WAY too emotional….

Wednesday:

I had mentioned in my last post that we have been hosting a team here at Zion this week. They came from a church in Virginia and they have been doing a lot of ministering to the Imani women and they put on a VBS for the girls. On Wednesday night they made dinner for the staff! It was such a HUGE blessing. We were able to gather around the table all 7 of us women (between ages 19-35) and just TALK. I don’t know if I have laughed that hard in a really long time. I got a tiny glimpse of what it would be like to be living abroad long term and have a team come over to help carry what He has called us to here in Uganda. The Ugandan staff decided that we (Brittany, Hailey, Laura-new intern, and I) needed Acholi/Swahili names! It is custom for people who are here for long periods of time to have a name chosen for them. One of the women suggested “Baraka (Swahili) Lagum (Acholi) Emily.” All of the women wholeheartedly agreed! I asked what Baraka/Lagum meant… they told me it meant “Blessing.”

Thursday:

In the morning I was able to visit IJM’s (International Justice Mission’s) field office here in Gulu. A friend, Morgan, that I had met upon first arriving in Gulu works at IJM and she invited me to the office to do devotions with them. They had just arrested a man the previous night for stealing property from a widow so it was an amazing morning of celebrating God's goodness and justice!

Morgan and I at IJM's field office! SEEK JUSTICE (Isaiah 1:17)

I spent the rest of the day at the office with the Imani women. Then in the afternoon we went out and did outreach in another Congolese community a little further away from the office. So some of the women and I got into the back of the pick up and headed out to do outreach. There was one community in particular that stuck out to me that day… and it was a community that a lot of our Zion girls came from. The community was composed of a handful of women and TONS OF CHILDREN. We prayed for a woman who had just given birth to twins less than 24 hours before, right there in one of the mud huts! Then the team and the Zion staff joined hands and formed a big circle with all the kids inside so we could pray over the children…there was probably about 50 of them at least.

Praying over this woman and her newborn twins! 

Thursday night I spent the night at the girls rescue home. A sweet moment that I will never forget was walking into their home with my backpack and pillow- they all started screaming and ran to me and tackled me! AH I love them so much. That night was so special to me. I asked them to teach me the Swahili lyrics to my favorite worship song that they sing so that I could sing along:

Maisha yangu niye

Nimpe nani Leo

Maisha yangu yote

Nimpe yesu atawale…

The lyrics begin with how they choose to give their life to the Lord and as the song progresses, they continue to choose to offer back, one by one, their homes, families, clothes… I wish you could hear those sweet girls sing it.

Then I was able to help get all 17 of them ready for bed and tuck each and every one of them in, one-by-one. As I tucked them in with their little sheet and whispered a little prayer they would giggle SO HARD! They have never really been tucked in before… one girl told me that she “felt like a princess.” I told her- “YOU ARE ONE.”

Some of the girls had misplaced their mosquito nets…as I was tucking one little girl in particular, I asked her where hers was. She told me she had washed it that day and it was out hanging on the line drying… I explained to her that I was so worried that she would get bitten and get sick so to make sure she hung it back over her bed tomorrow… I then went on to tuck the rest of the girls in… as I came out of my last room, I noticed she had un-tucked herself out of bed, and ran outside to get her mosquito net… my heart exploded.

One of the things that really struck me was their love for reading the bible. Even after I tucked them in, they begged me to keep the light on, even for just a little, so they could read their bibles before going to bed… it was beautiful.

In the morning, they were all up by 7 am working as a family to clean the house. They were up washing dishes/clothes by hand and mopping the floors. They worked as a family because they are a family.

That was one of my absolute favorite nights in Gulu. Hands down.

Friday:

On Friday I spent time saying goodbye to the Imani women and the other staff workers at Zion. It was so hard. Even though the Imani women and I didn’t speak the same language, fellowship runs so much deeper than that.

Someone said something funny amongst the tears :) 

I then went to the girls’ house to spend the evening. I was saying goodbye to them the following day, but the team was saying goodbye to them that night. So, as a treat, they bought all the girls pizza! One of the girls asked me:

“Aren’t you eating pizza?”

“Yes, but you eat first, the team got it for you- you are so special!”

“Auntie you are special, remember in the song [the ‘Measure of Beauty’ song I played for them earlier that week]… it says you are beautiful… and you are special.” 

I almost burst into tears, and I knew from that moment on that it was going to be a rough night. After dinner they did their nightly routine of prayer/worship/devotion. One of the girls grabbed the drum and started playing. It was going to be my last time being with them for devotion. About one minute into the first song I had to leave the room and compose myself. I love these girls so much. And just thinking that that would be my last time (even if just for a while- only God knows) hearing their sweet voices lifted in praise. After I semi-brought myself together I reentered the room to see already a bunch of other girls crying… then one of the girls broke out of the prayer and started singing,

“Maisha yangu niye

Nimpe nani Leo

Maisha yangu yote

Nimpe yesu atawale…”

I was praying SO HARD throughout the entire night for the Lord to HOLD ME TOGETHER…. At least for the girls’ sake. Though I never stopped crying, I was determined not to lose it until I walked out of the gate. I never stopped praying the whole night. After worship ended, Brittany told the girls that it was time to say goodbye to the team, and that I would be there tomorrow afternoon to say goodbye. One of the girls, Aloyo, who I have grown particularly close with- grabbed my hand and led me back to her room that she shared with some of the other girls, but everyone else was busy saying bye to the team. She sat down on her bed and I crouched down at her level. She reached into her mosquito net-covered bed and pulled out her one and only stuffed animal- that she had only JUST received at Christmas. She held it out to me, tears streaming down her face, and said, “I want you to take this back to America with you.”

I have NEVER IN MY LIFE experienced a moment like that, and I don’t think I ever will again. That was her ONLY toy this little girl had to call her own and she wanted to give it me. The love and self-sacrifice sweet Aloyo taught me that night is honestly indescribable. I pulled her in close and lost it a little bit. I then somehow persuaded her to at least sleep with it one more night until I came back the following day to say goodbye. She sweetly smiled and nodded.

My sweet girl, Aloyo, and I <3

The second I walked out of the gate I lost it and told Brittany and Hailey what had just happened with Aloyo… amongst many tears I described how I couldn’t take her one and only stuffed animal. I was such a mess.

Why was I such a mess, because Aloyo wanted to give me her one and only toy? Well yes… but it went much deeper than that. I was such a mess because I was so unbelievably MOVED by the love, sacrifice, and humility of this sweet little girl. It’s not about what you have; it’s about whom you have. And this little girl was fully satisfied in the King of Kings. In that moment I felt so incredibly loved….  She wanted to give me all that she had, just to show me how much she loved me.

Sacrifice. Love. Selflessness. I honestly believe I saw the face of the Lord in that moment. 

Saturday:

I wrote all the girls little notes and packed up my things…slowly… I was absolutely DREADING saying goodbye to them. I finally got on a boda and made my way to the girls’ house. Luckily, we had dinner plans with some of our friends at a local organization, Krochet Kids, so I did not have time to continue to put the goodbye off. I handed them out their notes, hugged them, and told them how much they each meant to me. Fighting back as many tears as possible I began to collect letters that some of them had written to me… I promised myself I wouldn’t read them until I was about to board. My heart just couldn’t take it. Before leaving, Aloyo grabbed my hand and brought be back into her room… she again, handed me her stuffed bear… only this time, I pulled another bear out of my backpack. I had gone to the market that morning to get her one… so we swapped animals and I gave her one last long hug.

I kept repeating “Amari matek matek matek matek” which means- “I love you so so so so so so much.” And yet, I wish I could've conveyed somehow that they each made lifelong handprints on my heart.

Sunday: 

Us Zion girls and the Krochet Kids got up at 5:45 am to take a 45 minute boda ride to watch the sun rise on my last morning. It was unbelievable. It was a Lion King “Circle of Life” moment… every second I continued to be blown away by God’s creation. I made my way back and said goodbye to my sweet housemates and sweet sister Janet. Only Stephen (the 5 yr old) really understood… he hugged me extra long. He then told me “Amari matek matek matek.” I then went to my last church service here in Uganda, tearfully said goodbye to my sisters Hailey and Brittany, and then began the 7 hour van ride down to Entebbe. I had originally planned to hire a driver to pick me up, but the pastor of my church (an American who came here 3 yrs ago with his wife and 4 sweet daughters) was driving to Kampala right after church! So his family graciously drove me most of the way!

African Sunrise amongst mud huts and tall grass! I sight I am going to miss so much! 

So here I am…  tearfully sitting at the airport after reading all the notes from my girls with a piece of my heart left in Gulu, clutching Aloyo’s stuffed animal by my side. Am I sad? Unbelievably. But I know how much of a blessing it is to be headed back to a family that has not been ripped apart by war and the opportunity to go to school (which is extremely rare in Uganda). And I can’t wait to continue to pray for these girls and advocate for them over in the States. I will think about and pray for these girls everyday… they’re my family.

There are so many things I'm trying to process in my heart... and I know that I won't ever be able to explain most of them in words to anyone. I have a million emotions running through my head right now, but the one word that keeps entering my thoughts over and over is- BLESSING. 

Why does the Lord bless me so richly? I am so undeserving.
My heart hurts not because it is heavy, but because it is FULL. What a blessing. 

In this time where my heart is hurting so deeply, I have experienced an intimacy with the Lord that I have never experienced before. He knows EXACTLY what it feels like to be “separated” from those He loves so deeply and unconditionally. 

As one of the girls said in her letter to me, “I love you but God loves you most.”

She said it perfectly… and I am simultaneously comforted that though I’m not present in Gulu anymore at this time to shower these girls with my love- I’m confident that the King of Kings continues to flood them with HIS LOVE… and you can’t get better than that.

Love,

Auntie Emily

p.s. I can not thank all of you enough for all of your prayers, encouragement, and support! I felt so covered by prayer the entire time! For those of you who supported me financially: I was able to leave behind all of the extra support money to go towards buying food/clothes/medicine for when Zion goes on outreaches, purchasing needed things for the girls as the months go on, and supporting the local church in expanding to nearby villages.