Handprints On My Heart

I started to write this last post on my drive from Gulu to Entebbe… then deleted what I had and shut my computer for a bit because starting this last post would feel like that this season in my life is over. In one way it is, but in many ways it is not…. But let me first recap my last week here before I start getting WAY too emotional….

Wednesday:

I had mentioned in my last post that we have been hosting a team here at Zion this week. They came from a church in Virginia and they have been doing a lot of ministering to the Imani women and they put on a VBS for the girls. On Wednesday night they made dinner for the staff! It was such a HUGE blessing. We were able to gather around the table all 7 of us women (between ages 19-35) and just TALK. I don’t know if I have laughed that hard in a really long time. I got a tiny glimpse of what it would be like to be living abroad long term and have a team come over to help carry what He has called us to here in Uganda. The Ugandan staff decided that we (Brittany, Hailey, Laura-new intern, and I) needed Acholi/Swahili names! It is custom for people who are here for long periods of time to have a name chosen for them. One of the women suggested “Baraka (Swahili) Lagum (Acholi) Emily.” All of the women wholeheartedly agreed! I asked what Baraka/Lagum meant… they told me it meant “Blessing.”

Thursday:

In the morning I was able to visit IJM’s (International Justice Mission’s) field office here in Gulu. A friend, Morgan, that I had met upon first arriving in Gulu works at IJM and she invited me to the office to do devotions with them. They had just arrested a man the previous night for stealing property from a widow so it was an amazing morning of celebrating God's goodness and justice!

Morgan and I at IJM's field office! SEEK JUSTICE (Isaiah 1:17)

I spent the rest of the day at the office with the Imani women. Then in the afternoon we went out and did outreach in another Congolese community a little further away from the office. So some of the women and I got into the back of the pick up and headed out to do outreach. There was one community in particular that stuck out to me that day… and it was a community that a lot of our Zion girls came from. The community was composed of a handful of women and TONS OF CHILDREN. We prayed for a woman who had just given birth to twins less than 24 hours before, right there in one of the mud huts! Then the team and the Zion staff joined hands and formed a big circle with all the kids inside so we could pray over the children…there was probably about 50 of them at least.

Praying over this woman and her newborn twins! 

Thursday night I spent the night at the girls rescue home. A sweet moment that I will never forget was walking into their home with my backpack and pillow- they all started screaming and ran to me and tackled me! AH I love them so much. That night was so special to me. I asked them to teach me the Swahili lyrics to my favorite worship song that they sing so that I could sing along:

Maisha yangu niye

Nimpe nani Leo

Maisha yangu yote

Nimpe yesu atawale…

The lyrics begin with how they choose to give their life to the Lord and as the song progresses, they continue to choose to offer back, one by one, their homes, families, clothes… I wish you could hear those sweet girls sing it.

Then I was able to help get all 17 of them ready for bed and tuck each and every one of them in, one-by-one. As I tucked them in with their little sheet and whispered a little prayer they would giggle SO HARD! They have never really been tucked in before… one girl told me that she “felt like a princess.” I told her- “YOU ARE ONE.”

Some of the girls had misplaced their mosquito nets…as I was tucking one little girl in particular, I asked her where hers was. She told me she had washed it that day and it was out hanging on the line drying… I explained to her that I was so worried that she would get bitten and get sick so to make sure she hung it back over her bed tomorrow… I then went on to tuck the rest of the girls in… as I came out of my last room, I noticed she had un-tucked herself out of bed, and ran outside to get her mosquito net… my heart exploded.

One of the things that really struck me was their love for reading the bible. Even after I tucked them in, they begged me to keep the light on, even for just a little, so they could read their bibles before going to bed… it was beautiful.

In the morning, they were all up by 7 am working as a family to clean the house. They were up washing dishes/clothes by hand and mopping the floors. They worked as a family because they are a family.

That was one of my absolute favorite nights in Gulu. Hands down.

Friday:

On Friday I spent time saying goodbye to the Imani women and the other staff workers at Zion. It was so hard. Even though the Imani women and I didn’t speak the same language, fellowship runs so much deeper than that.

Someone said something funny amongst the tears :) 

I then went to the girls’ house to spend the evening. I was saying goodbye to them the following day, but the team was saying goodbye to them that night. So, as a treat, they bought all the girls pizza! One of the girls asked me:

“Aren’t you eating pizza?”

“Yes, but you eat first, the team got it for you- you are so special!”

“Auntie you are special, remember in the song [the ‘Measure of Beauty’ song I played for them earlier that week]… it says you are beautiful… and you are special.” 

I almost burst into tears, and I knew from that moment on that it was going to be a rough night. After dinner they did their nightly routine of prayer/worship/devotion. One of the girls grabbed the drum and started playing. It was going to be my last time being with them for devotion. About one minute into the first song I had to leave the room and compose myself. I love these girls so much. And just thinking that that would be my last time (even if just for a while- only God knows) hearing their sweet voices lifted in praise. After I semi-brought myself together I reentered the room to see already a bunch of other girls crying… then one of the girls broke out of the prayer and started singing,

“Maisha yangu niye

Nimpe nani Leo

Maisha yangu yote

Nimpe yesu atawale…”

I was praying SO HARD throughout the entire night for the Lord to HOLD ME TOGETHER…. At least for the girls’ sake. Though I never stopped crying, I was determined not to lose it until I walked out of the gate. I never stopped praying the whole night. After worship ended, Brittany told the girls that it was time to say goodbye to the team, and that I would be there tomorrow afternoon to say goodbye. One of the girls, Aloyo, who I have grown particularly close with- grabbed my hand and led me back to her room that she shared with some of the other girls, but everyone else was busy saying bye to the team. She sat down on her bed and I crouched down at her level. She reached into her mosquito net-covered bed and pulled out her one and only stuffed animal- that she had only JUST received at Christmas. She held it out to me, tears streaming down her face, and said, “I want you to take this back to America with you.”

I have NEVER IN MY LIFE experienced a moment like that, and I don’t think I ever will again. That was her ONLY toy this little girl had to call her own and she wanted to give it me. The love and self-sacrifice sweet Aloyo taught me that night is honestly indescribable. I pulled her in close and lost it a little bit. I then somehow persuaded her to at least sleep with it one more night until I came back the following day to say goodbye. She sweetly smiled and nodded.

My sweet girl, Aloyo, and I <3

The second I walked out of the gate I lost it and told Brittany and Hailey what had just happened with Aloyo… amongst many tears I described how I couldn’t take her one and only stuffed animal. I was such a mess.

Why was I such a mess, because Aloyo wanted to give me her one and only toy? Well yes… but it went much deeper than that. I was such a mess because I was so unbelievably MOVED by the love, sacrifice, and humility of this sweet little girl. It’s not about what you have; it’s about whom you have. And this little girl was fully satisfied in the King of Kings. In that moment I felt so incredibly loved….  She wanted to give me all that she had, just to show me how much she loved me.

Sacrifice. Love. Selflessness. I honestly believe I saw the face of the Lord in that moment. 

Saturday:

I wrote all the girls little notes and packed up my things…slowly… I was absolutely DREADING saying goodbye to them. I finally got on a boda and made my way to the girls’ house. Luckily, we had dinner plans with some of our friends at a local organization, Krochet Kids, so I did not have time to continue to put the goodbye off. I handed them out their notes, hugged them, and told them how much they each meant to me. Fighting back as many tears as possible I began to collect letters that some of them had written to me… I promised myself I wouldn’t read them until I was about to board. My heart just couldn’t take it. Before leaving, Aloyo grabbed my hand and brought be back into her room… she again, handed me her stuffed bear… only this time, I pulled another bear out of my backpack. I had gone to the market that morning to get her one… so we swapped animals and I gave her one last long hug.

I kept repeating “Amari matek matek matek matek” which means- “I love you so so so so so so much.” And yet, I wish I could've conveyed somehow that they each made lifelong handprints on my heart.

Sunday: 

Us Zion girls and the Krochet Kids got up at 5:45 am to take a 45 minute boda ride to watch the sun rise on my last morning. It was unbelievable. It was a Lion King “Circle of Life” moment… every second I continued to be blown away by God’s creation. I made my way back and said goodbye to my sweet housemates and sweet sister Janet. Only Stephen (the 5 yr old) really understood… he hugged me extra long. He then told me “Amari matek matek matek.” I then went to my last church service here in Uganda, tearfully said goodbye to my sisters Hailey and Brittany, and then began the 7 hour van ride down to Entebbe. I had originally planned to hire a driver to pick me up, but the pastor of my church (an American who came here 3 yrs ago with his wife and 4 sweet daughters) was driving to Kampala right after church! So his family graciously drove me most of the way!

African Sunrise amongst mud huts and tall grass! I sight I am going to miss so much! 

So here I am…  tearfully sitting at the airport after reading all the notes from my girls with a piece of my heart left in Gulu, clutching Aloyo’s stuffed animal by my side. Am I sad? Unbelievably. But I know how much of a blessing it is to be headed back to a family that has not been ripped apart by war and the opportunity to go to school (which is extremely rare in Uganda). And I can’t wait to continue to pray for these girls and advocate for them over in the States. I will think about and pray for these girls everyday… they’re my family.

There are so many things I'm trying to process in my heart... and I know that I won't ever be able to explain most of them in words to anyone. I have a million emotions running through my head right now, but the one word that keeps entering my thoughts over and over is- BLESSING. 

Why does the Lord bless me so richly? I am so undeserving.
My heart hurts not because it is heavy, but because it is FULL. What a blessing. 

In this time where my heart is hurting so deeply, I have experienced an intimacy with the Lord that I have never experienced before. He knows EXACTLY what it feels like to be “separated” from those He loves so deeply and unconditionally. 

As one of the girls said in her letter to me, “I love you but God loves you most.”

She said it perfectly… and I am simultaneously comforted that though I’m not present in Gulu anymore at this time to shower these girls with my love- I’m confident that the King of Kings continues to flood them with HIS LOVE… and you can’t get better than that.

Love,

Auntie Emily

p.s. I can not thank all of you enough for all of your prayers, encouragement, and support! I felt so covered by prayer the entire time! For those of you who supported me financially: I was able to leave behind all of the extra support money to go towards buying food/clothes/medicine for when Zion goes on outreaches, purchasing needed things for the girls as the months go on, and supporting the local church in expanding to nearby villages.