Love Him Back.

During my freshman year of college, I was at a conference and I was listening to Francis Chan speak and he got up on the stage and held up the bible and said something along the lines of, “I wish I could just stand up here and say to you all ‘read it and do it’ and then walk off the stage because if we REALLY did that our lives would be dramatically different.” The truth is, these past few weeks, I haven’t really been reading it and doing it.

Sometimes as disciples we can become distracted (by even great things, but nonetheless distracted) and lose sight of the MAIN point and purpose of our lives if we don’t stay grounded in the word.

“Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” – Mark 12:28-31

A lot of us jump straight to the ‘second’ one. We love to love others.... yes, sometimes it’s hard to love those who are “hard to love,” but culturally, it’s more accepted. No one is going to question us when we choose to love others. But why is it so much easier to love others than it is to love the One who gave it all?

Don’t misunderstand me- loving others is 100% a way to love Him back... but is that all He means when He says to love Him with ALL our hearts and with ALL our soul and with ALL our mind and with ALL our strength? I don’t think so.

Loving Him back with ALL our heart:

I sort of want to skip this one and come back... but I’m not going to because then I’d be fleeing what’s hard for me to face. I give away pieces of my heart to idols KNOWING they will never bring me as much satisfaction as the Lord, but I do it anyway because I’m sinful and desire “quick fixes” over “lasting satisfaction.” But even worse than that, I do it because I don’t trust that He knows what’s best for me. I think I know what’s going to bring me the most joy and satisfaction. How could I look at Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross and not trust that He knows what’s best for me? It’s not wrong to desire good things and blessings on this earth, but the key is, do we want them more than the One who gives them to us?

Loving Him back with ALL our soul:

David uses the word “soul” countless times in the book of Psalms and he describes it as “all my inmost being” (Psalm 103). Do I love Him with ALL my inmost being? Am I honoring Him with the motives that lie BENEATH my ‘loving’ actions?

Loving Him back with ALL our mind:

Why do you think Paul has to remind us in Colossians 3 to “set your minds on things above, not on earthly things?”- Because we are SINFUL and will naturally choose to focus on earthly things instead of the eternal perspective that we were intended to focus on. The truth is that this LIFE IS A VAPOR and yet we choose to dwell for hours that turn into days that turn into weeks that turn into months that turn into years about insignificant things when instead we could be investing those thoughts on God and His kingdom- things above- things that are lasting.

The thing is... and I’m going to be brutally honest... you aren’t going to think more about “things above” unless you PROACTIVELY make it a priority. You won’t. We’re humans and we’re sinful and we chose an apple instead of the Lord.

Have I made loving Him back with my thoughts a priority like the priority that He is?

Loving Him back with ALL our strength:

I’m the guiltiest of them all when it comes to this. I somehow justify in my mind this statement, “I’m too tired to spend time with the ‘One who promises rest’ (Matt. 11:28).

When we choose to not love Him with our WHOLE heart, soul, mind, and strength, what we are indirectly saying to the Lord is, “You’re not worth it.” If we were 100% consumed by the truth that Jesus DIED for us, we would “conduct ourselves in a manner WORTHY of the gospel of Christ” (Philippians 1:27).

If you’re like me you may be thinking, “Well I’m human, and I will never be perfect, so I can’t possibly [on this earth] love Him with every single part of my heart, soul, mind, and strength without failing.”  

But does that change the fact that, in light of His sacrifice, He still deserves every single part of our heart, soul, mind and strength? NO.

Wise words from my pal Oswald Chambers remind me “it is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.”

It’s not like He is just waiting around until the day when FINALLY every single part of my heart is devoted to Him and then He is finally glorified- He is glorified every single moment as I choose to say “no” to my sinful flesh and “yes” to His desire and will for my life. We make it so complicated when it is really so simple. The decision or choice may be painful, and the discipline it takes to follow through with the choice may be hard, but God’s call to love Him back is simple and exactly what we were designed to do.

Not only can you take one quick look at the world we live in, but also you can take one quick look at each and every one of our hearts and you can easily see that we have a problem. We are constantly searching for people and things to satisfy us... to fill us... we even do this with the Lord. We spend some time with Him... feel great... and then ‘peace out’ for a few days or weeks until we need Him again and then we are on our knees “praying for Him to satisfy us” as if the problem lies in “a lack of the Lord satisfying us” instead of our own failure “to see that the Lord IS satisfaction.”

The dissatisfaction we feel IS NOT the Lord’s failure to ‘provide more of Himself to satisfy us’- His whole self has already been given to us through His sacrifice.

The emptiness we feel is the emptiness that comes when we choose to invest our hearts in idols that pretend to fill us and consequently fail us.

So let’s stop praying for God “to satisfy us” when He already did that and MORE on the cross, and instead let’s pray that the Lord would remind us of who He is, Jehovah Jireh, our Provider, and all He’s done, His ultimate sacrifice and provision, by allowing our idols to fail us and in turn, molding our hearts to look more like His Son’s.... a heart that truly desired NOTHING ELSE on this earth besides His Father and His Father’s desires.... a heart that loved Him back with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength.

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” – 1 John 4:10

Let’s love Him back because He’s way more than worth it,  

em

"What can I say? What can I do? But offer this heart oh Lord COMPLETELY to You."

Whatever the circumstances.

{Let me preface THIS ENTIRE POST by saying that I recognize that though I am going through a time of transition in a lot of areas of my life, it’s all about PERSPECTIVE: I know Jesus personally, I have an intact family, I don’t need to worry about where my next meal is coming from, I have a healthy body and access to healthcare, and a roof over my head that keeps me safe, warm, and dry- MY BLESSINGS ARE NUMEROUS and I know that my life compared to most people’s around the world, has faced very little hardship if any. I just am seeking and yearning for a heart thats reaction to unexpected/undesirable circumstances, whether big or small, would be one that would continue to grow to bring Christ every ounce of glory on this earth that it could.}   

The past few weeks have been a literal whirlwind. OKAY, OKAY maybe not a “literal” whirlwind (I know I say “literally” way too much)... but they have been busy. To sum it all up quickly:       

• An ELEVEN year season at Summer’s Best Two Weeks, a camp I have grown up at, came to a close 
• My best friend got MARRIED.... MARRIED!  
• I was offered a full-time nursing job in Baltimore in a pediatric Intensive Care Unit (EXACTLY the floor I wanted to work on) three days after returning home from working at camp all summer
• It hit me (a few months late) that I really have graduated college, am currently living at home away from all my college friends, and things aren’t ever going to be “how they were” again
• I FAILED my nursing boards and thought I lost my previously offered job
• BY THE GRACE OF GOD my job decided to “hold my position” until I retake the exam = a LITERAL (proper use of the word there) MIRACLE.

As I look up at that list, though there were “hard points” throughout these past few weeks and moments that didn’t seem to make sense at all, I can smile.... and not just in hindsight “when it finally all makes sense”... but also through the midst of all the uncertainty. Because you see, I’ve “learned the secret.”

Paul, writing to the church in Philippi FROM JAIL, says, “For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” [Philippians 4: 11-12]

In some stages of my life, I have desired “the secret” during those difficult circumstances... when I was “in need, hungry, and living in want.” In other stages of my life, I have desired “the secret” during those times where things ‘were going good’... I was “well fed and living in plenty” and yet still didn’t feel truly content.

But the truth is that “the secret” has nothing to do with the circumstances and everything to do with whether or not you trust the LORD of those circumstances.

There was a moment for me last week where I sat on the floor with my journal after I found out that I failed my nursing boards examination and was facing the possibility of losing my job and wrote this one and only line:

9/8/13 

Because I KNOW you, I love and trust You, whatever the circumstances, Lord.

Did I say that because I was really happy in that moment? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Did I say that because everything made perfect sense to me? No, no and NO.

Did I say that because I knew everything was going to turn out great? Definitely not.  

Did I say that because I’m some super “wise” Christian? HECK NO.

I said that not because of anything I am but BECAUSE of the I AM.

BECAUSE “to live is Christ, and to die is gain” [Philippians 1:21]. 

BECAUSE by turning my eyes to the cross and Christ’s sacrifice I am continually reminded that though it won’t make the situation make sense, it assures me through the midst of it all that there is an unconditional God that loves me. PERIOD.

THAT’S WHY “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” [Philippians 4:13]... that is such a powerful verse that is not just meant to be worn, tattooed, or written for the sake of sports games.... it’s not a “quotable line” for you to feel better in the moment, it’s the product, the natural overflow of a heart that, DESPITE THE CIRCUMSTANCES, completely trusts the One who made it, and who realizes that the “secret” is HIM.

So what does that mean for me right now where I am? It means:

• Whether I go back to camp ever again or not, I’m content NOT BECAUSE I miss it any less, but because He’s never once failed me in leading me and I trust Him.
• If I remain single for the rest of my life, or get married- I’m content NOT BECAUSE my desires to be known intimately on this earth and experience Christ deeper through the blessing of marriage diminishes, but because I am not waiting on anyone to “complete” my heart- it is already being held completely by a God whose love never fails.    
• If I live in a different state than my college friends, or in the same house- I’m content NOT BECAUSE it becomes any easier being apart from them, but because their friendships are constant reminders that He is a God who provided, provides, and will continue to provide.
• If I fail my nursing boards AGAIN and really lose my job or pass my exam and begin my job- I’m content NOT BECAUSE I take failure lightly and can just shake off the disappointment, but because I believe with my whole heart that “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” [Romans 8:28].
• If I am able to move overseas, or if He places a new call on my heart to stay in the USA- I’m content NOT BECAUSE my love and yearning for the “least of these” overseas disappears, but because my love for them is rooted in my love for Christ, and I can rest knowing that the reason my heart breaks for injustice around the world is because HIS does. It’s not “my life,” it’s His...  “Does the clay say to Him who forms it, ‘what are you making?’” [Isaiah 45:9]  

Is this type of contentment a one-time decision? NO, it’s a process... in the book of Philippians Paul says he learned to be content. Tomorrow, next week, or in this very second I could fall prey to satan’s lies, the distractions of the wind and the waves that try to take my eyes off of my Lord (the “secret”) and overwhelm me as I begin to sink.

Battling the wind and the waves means continually fixing our eyes, hearts, and minds on Christ, and it is then that our fear of the wind and waves disappears because we know we’re holding the hand of the One who controls them.

Learning to hold it all in “open hands” while whispering “whatever the circumstances”- because “it’s not about me,”

em

Whether single or married... whatever the circumstances. 

Whether living on Amstel in Delaware or in Annapolis... whatever the circumstances. 

Whether serving overseas or serving in the USA...whatever the circumstances. 

Leave the 99.

So here I am, on my last day off for the summer as I work at Summer’s Best Two Weeks. I am currently sitting in a hotel lobby writing some letters, and my gaze turned to the TV screen... I have been sitting in the same spot for a few hours or so, and a story of a missing teenager has repeatedly cycled through the news programming... my heart was broken for MANY reasons:

The first is that this young girl is missing... my heart goes out to her and her family and all those who know her. I pray that she is found quickly!

But my more consuming thought is this: “What about the rest of them?”

I’m referencing the THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of missing young children... some as young as 4 or 5 that have been kidnapped from their homes and forced to kill their families and serve as either child soldiers or sex slaves in the LRA, a rebel army that once terrorized Uganda for over 20 years, and now terrorizes the Democratic Republic of the Congo, South Sudan, and the Central African Republic.

I pictured how different our news would look if that were happening in our own country.... or even better, if instead we as a human race embraced the fact that WHERE you live shouldn’t determine WHETHER you LIVE. ...Would there be a story on each and every one of the tens of thousands of children who go missing after their families are killed? Would there be an unrelenting search party for each and every one of them?

Why should this response for a missing teenager in the U.S. look any different for a teenager who goes missing in a rural village in northern Uganda?

It shouldn’t look any different, but the reality is that it DOES.

The teenager across the world stays “missing.”... Not because the search party came back fruitless, but because she has no one to be her voice, no one to fight for her.

I’m not trying to argue that it’s the United States’ responsibility to care, pursue, and love every young child, woman, or man oppressed by injustice that they come in contact with or hear about... BUT I AM arguing that it is our responsibility as Christians.

To be a Christian means to be a FOLLOWER and DISCIPLE of Jesus. What do you think He meant when He said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take us his cross and FOLLOW ME” [Matthew 16:24]?

Thank the LORD that the boundaries between countries don’t deter His love and grace from stretching across the ends of the earth to SEEK AFTER (Isaiah 62:12) and pursue every one of us lost sheep as he took up his cross and died for us.... because His love for us isn’t about us or where we live.  

Jesus compares the pursuit of us unworthy sinners to the relationship between a shepherd and his flock of sheep, “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?” [Luke 15:4]

When we have been pursued in this way, the only logical and natural response is that we would GET UP AND MOVE... that we would leave the 99 to go after the 1. 

It doesn’t matter if the 1 is “halfway across the world or right next door,” or if the 1 “deserves it or not,” or if the journey will be “too hard, pricy, or messy,” or whether or not “you will receive a reward for the time spent searching,” BECAUSE IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.... it’s about pursuing others in the same selfless, unrelenting fashion that Christ pursued us.... even though our desire to mirror Christ’s pursuit will never compare to His sacrifice on the cross.

“What can we say? What can we do? BUT OFFER THIS HEART (and life) OH LORD completely to you.”

We’re motivated not out of obligation, but out of an overflowing love for our Savior who gave it ALL for NO REASON AT ALL.

Leave the 99.

Pursue the 1.

Pursue the 1- across the world, in your classroom, at work- anywhere and everywhere.

Thankful for conviction that motivates me to FOLLOW HIM more closely,

em

It's not about you.

Naturally the Lord has been WRECKING my heart over the past few months. It’s been the absolute best... don’t get me wrong though- it’s been hard to have my sin thrown up in my face- but EVERY TIME He unearths the idols I so foolishly root in my heart, even though it hurts, I can’t help but rejoice that He loves me enough to continue to make my heart reflect more of His own. 

Since I last posted I have graduated college.

Let’s just stop there for a moment and rest on that “simple” statement- I GRADUATED COLLEGE. Apparently only 6% of the world right now holds a college degree. So all of you college-degree holders out there, and those who are currently in college- let’s all take a second... and maybe even much longer than a second and LET THAT SINK IN and praise the Lord for providing that opportunity and go DO SOMETHING with it. 

So what am I doing? I’m serving at Summer’s Best Two Weeks until the end of August. I’ve had the blessing to lead a bible study over the summer here at camp. We’ve been working through 1^st Corinthians... and no matter what passage we are looking at, the same exact theme surfaces every time: “It’s not about you.”

My B-STUD girls. They encourage me so much by the ways they are deeply pursuing the Lord- at whatever cost... because guess what? HE'S WORTH IT. 

It’s not about you. It’s not about me. It’s about Jesus. PERIOD.

Seriously though... think of how big of a game changer that would be if we all really lived like that. For example:

• I’m insecure. It’s not about you and how you feel about you- it’s about me in you. The truth is that you are completely unlovable. There is nothing in you that draws me to you- it is for me, through me, and because of me that I love you. While you were still a sinner, I died for you. Your job is to be outrageously and indescribably loved- for no reason at all. When you fail to “live loved,” you fail to live out the beauty of the gospel: it’s not about you, so BE loved my beloved.
• I desire ____ (fill in the blank). It’s not about you and what you want- it’s about you realizing you already have more than enough in me. Stop waiting on a guy, a job, or whatever the next thing is and realize that you already have me, and I am everything.  
• I’m so tired and no one is noticing all the ways I’m serving. Daughter, your statement is a complete reflection of your heart. If you were truly serving for me and only me, it wouldn’t bother you that “no one is noticing.” It’s not about you. “If you are trying to please people, you aren’t a servant of Christ (Galatians 1:10).” The real heart issue here is that you don’t think that I’m enough, because if you did, you wouldn’t be seeking other’s affirmation of you. I see you. Stop serving expecting something in return- EVERYTHING HAS ALREADY BEEN GIVEN TO YOU THROUGH THE SACRIFICE OF MY SON... and when that sinks in, you’ll realize that serving me and only me is the only natural response.
• I’m confused, uncertain, or frustrated. It’s not about you and your comfort or your circumstances- it’s about you trusting me with everything, especially the things you don’t understand, because I’m worth it. I shouldn’t have to continue to “bless you” to prove my trustworthiness to you. Just look at the cross- my sacrifice should silence all of your doubts and remind you (time and time again) that that “trust” has already been gained. Live like you trust me.
• I don’t want to call them out, I’m afraid they’ll misunderstand me and be ‘offended.’ 
• Do you love me more than these? Feed my sheep. 
• Do you love me? Feed my sheep.
• Do you love me? Feed my sheep.

Not only would this be a game-changer in how we tackle circumstances and live life, but it’d be a game-changer in how we love the One who gave it all.  

If you’ve been around the contemporary Christian circle for the past few years, you’ve probably heard of the book, Love Does. It’s a beautifully written book with the biblical concept that love is an action... it moves... it does something.... I just finished reading it and though I completely echoed everything it expressed, I couldn’t help but feel heartbroken. I’m heartbroken because people are thinking that this is a new and radical concept... when the reality is that over 2,000 years ago a man name Jesus lived out the concept of “love does” by DYING for us, and has been calling us to do the same ever since: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” MOVE. DO SOMETHING.

Every single day, but ESPECIALLY the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling like such a mess. It’s hard sometimes to not feel like a mess and failure when the Lord reveals our dirty sin over and over in our hearts.

But guess what? Not only am I a mess, but I like being a mess.   

I like being a mess because it’s in my mess- it’s in my brokenness- that Christ, in His unrelenting nature, molds and breaks my heart to look more like His own- and that’s beautiful.

What a beautiful mess we are,

em

OPEN HANDS.

This post has been a long time coming. And honestly... I’ve put it off for a while because I didn’t want to have to face this simple fact- it has now been 80 days since I have awoken to the laughs of Stephen and Sarita, cooked with Janet under the moonlight, danced with my 17 girls, hopped on and off a boda, and heard the prayers of those who were once oppressed lift HIGH to the One they have entrusted their ENTIRE hearts with.

In other words, I left Uganda 80 days ago and am currently 80 days into my last semester in college. I graduate exactly one month from today.

I can’t even really explain how it was first getting back... I remember it being so strange to climb into my bed and not have to tuck my mosquito net around me... to turn on the shower and immediately feel warm water.... to see food being thrown carelessly away.... to go into the hospital and see an entire private room for ONE patient... to walk into my ministry here at school and to not be able to connect and “find” the Lord amongst the blaring electric guitars, rehearsed songs, and rows of chairs.

I remember people telling me how “proud they were of me” and how “happy they were to see the Lord place such a passion in my heart for those who were oppressed,” and though those comments were meant to encourage me, they left me broken hearted. My desire to proclaim freedom for the oppressed is not a unique thing that He has uniquely programmed for my heart to feel- it’s a characteristic of the Lord’s heart that He is reflecting more and more within me as I grow to love Him more and get to know Him more. All of our hearts are meant to break for those who are enslaved BECAUSE all of our hearts, as believers in Christ, should be seeking to reflect more and more of HIS HEART.

I remember sitting with my closest friends soon after getting back... those who know my heart the very best... and struggling to explain to them the deep convictions the Lord had placed on my heart about how I felt that we were supposed to really live. I could no longer justify spending $30 on that extra shirt... that dinner out... whatever it was knowing that I could invest that very same $30 to allow a child to go to school for an entire year. The barrage of questions from others consumed me... “So what are we supposed to do, empty our bank accounts? Drop out of school? Sell our laptops to feed hungry children?” ....... and yet I couldn’t deny the same still, quiet voice that kept repeating:

“What if that is exactly what I was asking you to do, would you do it?”

You see, it’s not about the $30... it’s about our hearts. I’m not saying that the Lord is asking you to empty your savings account to send hundreds of Ugandan children to school, but the point is, would you if He was?

Just like the widow in Luke 21 put in the offering “all she had to live on,” I believe the Lord is calling us all to live with OPEN HANDS reflecting OPEN HEARTS.

In the book “Finish the Mission,” David Platt says, “Surely this God warrants more than our raising a hand and praying a prayer. Surely this God warrants more than nominal adherence, church attendance, or casual acceptance. This God warrants COMPLETE ABANDONMENT of our plans, our possessions, our hopes, our dreams, and our lives. We lay everything we have on the table before this God, and we say, ‘Use me- my life, my family, my church, everything I have and everything I am- for the spread of your glory and this gospel to the ends of the earth.’ Indeed the ONLY LOGICAL RESPONSE to this glorious God of grace is ‘Here I am. Send Me.’”

The Lord is telling us that what He has designed is not the notion of “I lose and they gain” but rather “I go and give what He has entrusted me with, and we both gain.” It’s a beautiful design that I fear as American Christians we are missing out on... we are missing out on using what the Lord has given us to fight injustice AND IN TURN missing out on experiencing His fullness of Joy.

You know what has scared me the most since getting back from Uganda? There are those days that I get home from a long day of classes, a long day at the hospital, or a long day pouring over job applications, and I climb in bed and I realize that I didn’t think of or pray for my girls over in Uganda at all that day... I didn’t allow my heart to stop for even a second to intercede for those who are enslaved physically or spiritually.

We live in a world that tells us to live with our hands clenched tightly closed hoarding our own “happiness” and accomplishments... and it is in these moments that the Lord sweetly reminds me through my broken heart how freeing it is to let go. To let go of my fears that my Ugandan family has forgotten me. To let go of my plans for next year, 5 years from now, and twenty years from now. To let go of my anxieties about being alone. To let go of my worldly thoughts and “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5).

To let go, TRUST, and experience the fullness of joy He designed the complete abandonment of my heart to find rest in....Himself.

With OPEN HANDS, Arms High & Heart Abandoned,

Em

Handprints On My Heart

I started to write this last post on my drive from Gulu to Entebbe… then deleted what I had and shut my computer for a bit because starting this last post would feel like that this season in my life is over. In one way it is, but in many ways it is not…. But let me first recap my last week here before I start getting WAY too emotional….

Wednesday:

I had mentioned in my last post that we have been hosting a team here at Zion this week. They came from a church in Virginia and they have been doing a lot of ministering to the Imani women and they put on a VBS for the girls. On Wednesday night they made dinner for the staff! It was such a HUGE blessing. We were able to gather around the table all 7 of us women (between ages 19-35) and just TALK. I don’t know if I have laughed that hard in a really long time. I got a tiny glimpse of what it would be like to be living abroad long term and have a team come over to help carry what He has called us to here in Uganda. The Ugandan staff decided that we (Brittany, Hailey, Laura-new intern, and I) needed Acholi/Swahili names! It is custom for people who are here for long periods of time to have a name chosen for them. One of the women suggested “Baraka (Swahili) Lagum (Acholi) Emily.” All of the women wholeheartedly agreed! I asked what Baraka/Lagum meant… they told me it meant “Blessing.”

Thursday:

In the morning I was able to visit IJM’s (International Justice Mission’s) field office here in Gulu. A friend, Morgan, that I had met upon first arriving in Gulu works at IJM and she invited me to the office to do devotions with them. They had just arrested a man the previous night for stealing property from a widow so it was an amazing morning of celebrating God's goodness and justice!

Morgan and I at IJM's field office! SEEK JUSTICE (Isaiah 1:17)

I spent the rest of the day at the office with the Imani women. Then in the afternoon we went out and did outreach in another Congolese community a little further away from the office. So some of the women and I got into the back of the pick up and headed out to do outreach. There was one community in particular that stuck out to me that day… and it was a community that a lot of our Zion girls came from. The community was composed of a handful of women and TONS OF CHILDREN. We prayed for a woman who had just given birth to twins less than 24 hours before, right there in one of the mud huts! Then the team and the Zion staff joined hands and formed a big circle with all the kids inside so we could pray over the children…there was probably about 50 of them at least.

Praying over this woman and her newborn twins! 

Thursday night I spent the night at the girls rescue home. A sweet moment that I will never forget was walking into their home with my backpack and pillow- they all started screaming and ran to me and tackled me! AH I love them so much. That night was so special to me. I asked them to teach me the Swahili lyrics to my favorite worship song that they sing so that I could sing along:

Maisha yangu niye

Nimpe nani Leo

Maisha yangu yote

Nimpe yesu atawale…

The lyrics begin with how they choose to give their life to the Lord and as the song progresses, they continue to choose to offer back, one by one, their homes, families, clothes… I wish you could hear those sweet girls sing it.

Then I was able to help get all 17 of them ready for bed and tuck each and every one of them in, one-by-one. As I tucked them in with their little sheet and whispered a little prayer they would giggle SO HARD! They have never really been tucked in before… one girl told me that she “felt like a princess.” I told her- “YOU ARE ONE.”

Some of the girls had misplaced their mosquito nets…as I was tucking one little girl in particular, I asked her where hers was. She told me she had washed it that day and it was out hanging on the line drying… I explained to her that I was so worried that she would get bitten and get sick so to make sure she hung it back over her bed tomorrow… I then went on to tuck the rest of the girls in… as I came out of my last room, I noticed she had un-tucked herself out of bed, and ran outside to get her mosquito net… my heart exploded.

One of the things that really struck me was their love for reading the bible. Even after I tucked them in, they begged me to keep the light on, even for just a little, so they could read their bibles before going to bed… it was beautiful.

In the morning, they were all up by 7 am working as a family to clean the house. They were up washing dishes/clothes by hand and mopping the floors. They worked as a family because they are a family.

That was one of my absolute favorite nights in Gulu. Hands down.

Friday:

On Friday I spent time saying goodbye to the Imani women and the other staff workers at Zion. It was so hard. Even though the Imani women and I didn’t speak the same language, fellowship runs so much deeper than that.

Someone said something funny amongst the tears :) 

I then went to the girls’ house to spend the evening. I was saying goodbye to them the following day, but the team was saying goodbye to them that night. So, as a treat, they bought all the girls pizza! One of the girls asked me:

“Aren’t you eating pizza?”

“Yes, but you eat first, the team got it for you- you are so special!”

“Auntie you are special, remember in the song [the ‘Measure of Beauty’ song I played for them earlier that week]… it says you are beautiful… and you are special.” 

I almost burst into tears, and I knew from that moment on that it was going to be a rough night. After dinner they did their nightly routine of prayer/worship/devotion. One of the girls grabbed the drum and started playing. It was going to be my last time being with them for devotion. About one minute into the first song I had to leave the room and compose myself. I love these girls so much. And just thinking that that would be my last time (even if just for a while- only God knows) hearing their sweet voices lifted in praise. After I semi-brought myself together I reentered the room to see already a bunch of other girls crying… then one of the girls broke out of the prayer and started singing,

“Maisha yangu niye

Nimpe nani Leo

Maisha yangu yote

Nimpe yesu atawale…”

I was praying SO HARD throughout the entire night for the Lord to HOLD ME TOGETHER…. At least for the girls’ sake. Though I never stopped crying, I was determined not to lose it until I walked out of the gate. I never stopped praying the whole night. After worship ended, Brittany told the girls that it was time to say goodbye to the team, and that I would be there tomorrow afternoon to say goodbye. One of the girls, Aloyo, who I have grown particularly close with- grabbed my hand and led me back to her room that she shared with some of the other girls, but everyone else was busy saying bye to the team. She sat down on her bed and I crouched down at her level. She reached into her mosquito net-covered bed and pulled out her one and only stuffed animal- that she had only JUST received at Christmas. She held it out to me, tears streaming down her face, and said, “I want you to take this back to America with you.”

I have NEVER IN MY LIFE experienced a moment like that, and I don’t think I ever will again. That was her ONLY toy this little girl had to call her own and she wanted to give it me. The love and self-sacrifice sweet Aloyo taught me that night is honestly indescribable. I pulled her in close and lost it a little bit. I then somehow persuaded her to at least sleep with it one more night until I came back the following day to say goodbye. She sweetly smiled and nodded.

My sweet girl, Aloyo, and I <3

The second I walked out of the gate I lost it and told Brittany and Hailey what had just happened with Aloyo… amongst many tears I described how I couldn’t take her one and only stuffed animal. I was such a mess.

Why was I such a mess, because Aloyo wanted to give me her one and only toy? Well yes… but it went much deeper than that. I was such a mess because I was so unbelievably MOVED by the love, sacrifice, and humility of this sweet little girl. It’s not about what you have; it’s about whom you have. And this little girl was fully satisfied in the King of Kings. In that moment I felt so incredibly loved….  She wanted to give me all that she had, just to show me how much she loved me.

Sacrifice. Love. Selflessness. I honestly believe I saw the face of the Lord in that moment. 

Saturday:

I wrote all the girls little notes and packed up my things…slowly… I was absolutely DREADING saying goodbye to them. I finally got on a boda and made my way to the girls’ house. Luckily, we had dinner plans with some of our friends at a local organization, Krochet Kids, so I did not have time to continue to put the goodbye off. I handed them out their notes, hugged them, and told them how much they each meant to me. Fighting back as many tears as possible I began to collect letters that some of them had written to me… I promised myself I wouldn’t read them until I was about to board. My heart just couldn’t take it. Before leaving, Aloyo grabbed my hand and brought be back into her room… she again, handed me her stuffed bear… only this time, I pulled another bear out of my backpack. I had gone to the market that morning to get her one… so we swapped animals and I gave her one last long hug.

I kept repeating “Amari matek matek matek matek” which means- “I love you so so so so so so much.” And yet, I wish I could've conveyed somehow that they each made lifelong handprints on my heart.

Sunday: 

Us Zion girls and the Krochet Kids got up at 5:45 am to take a 45 minute boda ride to watch the sun rise on my last morning. It was unbelievable. It was a Lion King “Circle of Life” moment… every second I continued to be blown away by God’s creation. I made my way back and said goodbye to my sweet housemates and sweet sister Janet. Only Stephen (the 5 yr old) really understood… he hugged me extra long. He then told me “Amari matek matek matek.” I then went to my last church service here in Uganda, tearfully said goodbye to my sisters Hailey and Brittany, and then began the 7 hour van ride down to Entebbe. I had originally planned to hire a driver to pick me up, but the pastor of my church (an American who came here 3 yrs ago with his wife and 4 sweet daughters) was driving to Kampala right after church! So his family graciously drove me most of the way!

African Sunrise amongst mud huts and tall grass! I sight I am going to miss so much! 

So here I am…  tearfully sitting at the airport after reading all the notes from my girls with a piece of my heart left in Gulu, clutching Aloyo’s stuffed animal by my side. Am I sad? Unbelievably. But I know how much of a blessing it is to be headed back to a family that has not been ripped apart by war and the opportunity to go to school (which is extremely rare in Uganda). And I can’t wait to continue to pray for these girls and advocate for them over in the States. I will think about and pray for these girls everyday… they’re my family.

There are so many things I'm trying to process in my heart... and I know that I won't ever be able to explain most of them in words to anyone. I have a million emotions running through my head right now, but the one word that keeps entering my thoughts over and over is- BLESSING. 

Why does the Lord bless me so richly? I am so undeserving.
My heart hurts not because it is heavy, but because it is FULL. What a blessing. 

In this time where my heart is hurting so deeply, I have experienced an intimacy with the Lord that I have never experienced before. He knows EXACTLY what it feels like to be “separated” from those He loves so deeply and unconditionally. 

As one of the girls said in her letter to me, “I love you but God loves you most.”

She said it perfectly… and I am simultaneously comforted that though I’m not present in Gulu anymore at this time to shower these girls with my love- I’m confident that the King of Kings continues to flood them with HIS LOVE… and you can’t get better than that.

Love,

Auntie Emily

p.s. I can not thank all of you enough for all of your prayers, encouragement, and support! I felt so covered by prayer the entire time! For those of you who supported me financially: I was able to leave behind all of the extra support money to go towards buying food/clothes/medicine for when Zion goes on outreaches, purchasing needed things for the girls as the months go on, and supporting the local church in expanding to nearby villages. 

Outreach, Sisters, and the Meaning of Beauty

I can’t believe it has been a week since I have last posted! I tried to describe to someone recently how time feels to me… when I think about leaving this Sunday, this month seems like it has FLOWN by… but when I think about the time spent here, it has felt like it has been a year!

Snapshots of the week:

- I had mentioned last week briefly about the women’s outreach last Wednesday, but I’d love to go into more detail. As we went out into the local slums, one of the Imani women took us to this one woman who was really struggling. When we came up to her she was sitting outside of a mud hut that was not hers. She seemed uncomfortable with all of us being there. We soon found out that she rarely “comes out” into the community… rather she stays in the mud hut because she is ashamed of her situation. Her husband had left her some time ago and she was left caring for her children. However, she had no mud hut, no food, no clothes, and no job. A lot of people are lacking here in Uganda, but this was the first time I encountered someone that literally had nothing. Our Imani women then further encouraged her to come out to church, but she explained that she didn’t even want to do that because she didn’t have any “church clothes” to wear. She explained that her and her children just rotated between different people’s mud huts in the community. We then began to pray for her.  We laid hands on her, and all of us began praying at once over her. Our prayers became louder and louder and I truly felt the Spirit’s presence! After we said “Amen,” our Imani women immediately stood up and explained to us that they were going to take her to their huts and give her some of their food… from the little they had. I was moved to tears. This verse was lived out right in front of my eyes, without a second’s hesitation:

"For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me...Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these, my brothers, you did it to me."- Matthew 25: 35-36, 40

It was hard to transition after that that day… how do you move on with the rest of the day? SHE IS STILL THERE. SHE IS STILL STRUGGLING. SHE IS STILL HURTING.

I can go and give her more food and clothes, but that is only a temporary band-aid over the situation… when I leave or when funds run out… SHE IS STILL THERE. SHE IS STILL STRUGGLING. SHE IS STILL HURTING.

All I can do is continue to pray, offer up my heartbreak to the Lord, serve in whatever way I can here and now, and continue to trust Him.

A "step above" the typical/usual one-room mud huts. Living in these types of houses is a HUGE blessing! 

- I was able to briefly visit Invisible Children’s MEND office located right here in Gulu one day during lunch. Invisible Children played a huge part in breaking my heart for what broke the Lord’s heart here in Northern Uganda when I was in middle and high school- when the LRA was still active here. Just this past semester at school, before even knowing that I would be coming to Uganda, I purchased a bag through Invisible Children’s MEND program. This program employs 22 seamstresses. 14 of these 22 seamstresses were formally abducted by the LRA and used as sex slaves. All 22 women were vulnerable and exploited in some way. Now they are employed by Invisible Children and sew bags. Within each bag is a piece of leather stamped with the woman who made the bag’s name, story, and thumbprint. When I first walked in with my bag on my shoulder, all the women squealed with excitement and ran over to check who made it! I was able to meet Evelyn and tell her how much I love the bag and how I bring it every day with me to work when I go to clinicals at the hospital. The pride these women feel about their work was absolutely amazing to witness and it reminded me of Zion's Imani women and their jewelry. What an amazing, unexpected blessing to be able to meet the woman who worked so hard to make my bag and whose life is changed through employment by Invisible Children's MEND!

Evelyn and I with our bag!

- On Saturday, a team of six people from a church in Virginia arrived. They are here serving for one week! It has been super different having a team here, but it has been really amazing and such a blessing! One of the women told me that after observing me greet, hug, and socialize with people at church that she assumed I had been here for WAY longer than I actually have been. That warmed my heart! I feel the exact same way. The church I went to this past Sunday was different than the other 2 Sundays. Because the team was here, we went to the church that the girls go to! It was amazing seeing these girls worship. I know I say that a lot… but considering their traumatic pasts- watching these young girls close their eyes and sing and pray to the Lord with such joy despite their past circumstances is SO moving.

This scripture was alive right in front of my eyes- “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”- Philippians 4:11-12

Why does it seem that whenever something goes wrong, we as American Christians tend to run away briefly and doubt God before we realize, AGAIN, that He really does have it all under control?

Yet these girls, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, run even harder to Him.

Chills.

We all piled into the truck to go out for outreach!

- On Monday, with some people from the team, we went out to a local medical clinic and surrounding community to do outreach with the girls. Since there were 17 girls, 4 team members, and me, Brittany, and Hailey going- we split into three groups. Brittany, Hailey, and I each led a group with a designated older girl who would act as the translator for us. My group went into the pediatric “Ward” (aka one room with 2 beds) to pray- since pediatrics is my favorite. It was amazing to see Lucy (only 13 yrs old) step up and approach the families and ask if we were able to pray for them. Lucy was able to translate for me as I conversed with the families, and then we all laid hands on the kids and prayed for healing. We all pray out loud at once here in Uganda and then one of the girls is chosen to close in prayer. When we were praying for the last patient, the youngest one in our group, Gloria (only 7), closed us in prayer. It was beautiful. As she prayed in Swahili, I couldn’t help but notice the confidence and fervency with which she prayed. She knew exactly to Whom she was praying to. When we got up to leave, Lucy stayed back and spoke in Swahili to the little boy, our last patient. I asked her what she said, and she told me, “I told him that God loves him and that He is the best doctor- He is the ultimate healer.” That was straight from her heart with no initiation other than the Holy Spirit’s prompting! I was such a proud Auntie!!!! As we were walking out of the clinic, it hit me- we just walked into random patients’ rooms and prayed for them---- that would NEVER happen in America with all of the HIPPA rules/regulations that are in place.

BUT WHY NOT?!

After leaving the clinic we traveled to the same community that we outreached with the Imani women. The girls knew a lot of people within the community- some of them grew up there- so I allowed them to lead my group and choose where they wanted to pray. We “happened” to run into the SAME WOMAN who we prayed for earlier that week with the Imani women- the one who had absolutely nothing. As we came up to her I noticed that the look on her face was completely different- she wasn’t sitting alone by herself- she was sitting next to two other women- and she was smiling! PRAISE GOD. We were able to pray over her again!

Watching the girls get so excited running from hut to hut to pray for those in their community warmed my heart. These girls love to talk to their Savior and give back to their community!

I can't properly explain the power felt when we are out either outreaching with the girls or with the women. I heard it once said by both John Piper and Louie Giglio that "if you feel like God is distant it could be that He's on mission over here and you stayed here"- MEANING that God tells us that His heart and mission is in making disciples from "here to the nations"- I've learned that obeying His call- REALLY obeying His call- and going out across the street and into our communities with the desire to make disciples allows us to experience Him in a very intimate way. 

-So I mention my three little housemates (5 yrs old, 2 yrs old, and 1 yr old) a lot. But this is their mom- Janet. The oldest 2 kids are biologically hers and she is currently caring for the youngest one. I love to sit with her and her kids at night when I get home and laugh and dance. Recently we discovered that we are both 21, which made us feel even more like sisters! But my heart hurts. Here are two 21-year-olds from two completely different worlds living in the same little house. One grew up in America, has no children, and is about to receive her college degree. The other grew up in Uganda during one of the most violent wars in the history of Africa. She has two children- each with different fathers- the first was killed by the LRA rebels and the second she left because he had multiple, multiple wives. She is one of the hardest working women I know… and she is an amazing mother! Though we come from 2 different worlds and speak 2 different languages- we are still two 21-year-old young women who both love the same Jesus. I’m going to miss her so much.

Again… another moment that I don't fully understand and where I have no other choice but to whisper, “I trust You.”

My sister Janet and I! 

-Today I was able to spend some time by myself with the girls talking to them about body image/self worth and seeing themselves as God sees them. There was this song that I played them called “Measure of Beauty.” I printed out the lyrics so that they could read them while they listened. However as soon as the song began, they all started SINGING the words. They had NEVER heard that song before and they didn't know how it went, but that didn't stop them from singing, “Jesus, give me eyes to see the way that You measure beauty.” It was such a sweet, sweet moment that I will NEVER forget.

The girls and I after our talk about the real meaning of beauty! 

Sweet Aloyo and I

This week has been full with sweet moments with the girls. I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH. They bring my heart such joy. I care for them so deeply! But it has been so hard recently since they know and I know that I am leaving soon. It’s little moments like this that KILL ME:

Aloyo- “I don’t want you to leave.”

Me- “I don’t want to either.”

Aloyo- “Then why are you?

Sweet Jolly and I

          Or moments like this: Jolly and I are sitting next to each other watching the other girls play Frisbee, she quietly puts her arm around me and says, “Don’t leave Auntie.” 

What do I say?! We just sit there silently for a little bit with our arms around each other communicating without saying anything- we don’t need to- we both know. Our hearts hurt. 

This feels so much like home. These girls feel like family- and they always will be- no matter how far we are. Please be praying for my transition this next week. I can’t even think about it without tearing up. I just want to hug them and never let go! But I have been trusting in the Lord hard these past few days in the fact that I fully believe and know with all my heart that I am here purposefully "for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14)- not longer or shorter.

"Mamas" and their girls

Near the end of the day today the girls dressed us Aunties up in the traditional wear- after they finished, they all exclaimed- “You look like Mamas!”

Most “older” women wear similar things on their heads, and most “older” women are Mamas with children. So we looked “older,” "like mamas." But for Brittany, Hailey, and me it struck deeper than that. We felt like Mamas in that brief moment- and these were our girls. 

Beyonce, Christmas in January, and TRUST.

 “Dance.” “Cheza.” “Myel.” Those are three words that have the same meaning all in different languages (English, Swahili, and Luo/Acholi respectively). One of my absolute favorite things about Africa is how everybody LOVES to dance! And since I love to dance as well, it becomes a perfect way to communicate and bond with another person that does not speak the same language. It has been a theme for me these past few days!

Snapshots from the past few days:

1) I’ve been visiting the girls’ rescue home A LOT! I have been able to teach them a lot of fun games and fun ways to exercise… what’s the best way to exercise you may ask?!?! DANCING. It’s a perfect scenario- all of the Ugandan girls in the home love to dance and so do I! SO, I had the opportunity to teach them Beyonce’s “Move Your Body” dance! Beyonce created the dance as a fun way to get kids to exercise! I can not even tell you how amazing it was for me to teach them this dance and see them pick up on it so quickly! It was such a fun way for me to bond with the girls. It absolutely was filmed- so be looking for it soon! So since I had taught them an American dance, I asked them to teach me Acholi tribal dances! Let’s just say these girls KNOW HOW TO MOVE! We put away my ipod and they whipped out their drum. They tied a piece of fabric around my waist and explained that all the women during the tribal dances wear them around their hips! THEN they started moving in ways I never have before! Hahaa! But surprisingly, I was able to pick up on some of the movements pretty quickly- thanks to 17 little helpers! But I did make sure that that dance lesson was NOT filmed! It remains in my head as a sweet memory! Hahaa! I can’t wait for you all to see the video of the girls dancing to “Move Your Body”!

Dancing to "Move Your Body!"- Video to come soon :)

2) Some of my favorite memories are the sweet memories that haven’t been filmed… they happen spontaneously when I get home from a long day, and my three sweet little housemates greet me (5 yrs, 2 yrs, 1 yr). Before I can even set down my backpack they say “Myel! Myel! Auntie Em Myel!” So we all spend another hour dancing in the little kitchen.

Stephen and Sarita! Two of my sweet housemates- who LOVE to dance! They bring me such JOY! 

3) On Friday night we were able to go to one of Brittany’s friend’s houses. She hosts a “Mexican Night” every Friday night. It was basically a little hang out of 20 or so other white people my age (basically all the white people in Gulu). We were able to talk about our weeks and all of the different organizations we are involved in. It was much needed!

4) On Saturday we had the girls’ Christmas party! It was pushed back into January so that the volunteers who went home to the states for Christmas were able to be here for it. It was so fun! We played tons of games with the girls and filled stockings for each one of them with a stuffed animal and some sweets. And then they all received a used Barbie doll, pair of shoes, and dress. It was amazing… but it was also really hard. As I saw how each of them clung to their doll they received, and how grateful they were for it, I could not help but think of many of the American girls their age who have tubs full of those same dolls and do not have a fraction of their appreciativeness. It broke my heart a little… and then as they tried on their used shoes/dresses… trading with the other girls if some did not fit properly… a few of the girls felt that they did not look “smart” (their term for “pretty/beautiful”) in their dresses. That was also really hard… the aunties did an amazing job though in that moment addressing the girls’ attitude and stressed how important it was to be thankful… but I wanted more than anything for them to feel pretty! All in all, it was a super fun day of dancing, gifts, and treats (like soda during dinner!). I also was able to teach the girls the song “Jingle Bells.” They had never heard it before!

The girls playing with their new gifts! So excited! 

5) Church this Sunday was so incredible. I cannot express to you in words the joy that seeps out of them as they worship. The room is basically set up with the worship team up front (six or so people just up front singing with one acoustic guitar and one African drum), plastic chairs in the middle, and then a huge open space in the back of the room. There are two to maybe three times the amount of kids than adults! During one of the upbeat, African worship songs- where I did not know exactly what they were saying- but it didn’t matter! Worship comes from the heart, so I made it my own! I am standing there clapping along, and a girl about 12 or so comes up to me, grabs my hand and says, “come and dance!” She then pulls me to the back of the room where there are tons of kids running, dancing, clapping, and singing- ALL FOR THE JOY OF THE LORD. I have such a better picture of Psalm 149:3, “Let them praise His name with dancing…” The joy in that moment was divine. Once again, dance bridged a gap between two girls of different nations- worshipping the SAME God. A time of tithes/offerings then followed worship. A little boy stood up front with a bucket as people came up to the front and dropped some money in. The person praying said something that stuck with me, “we give not because we have much, but because You ask us to.” What amazing obedience to their Lord that is driven by their deep love for their Savior.

Offering at church. "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." 

6) Morning devotionals/worship with the Imani women have been amazing! It is so moving to see these women transition from singing into prayer and back into singing- because it is all the same- it is all worship. Usually one of the Zion Staff gives the morning devotional. Brittany came to me this morning and told me that the woman who was supposed to do it (Zion staff worker- Christine), wasn’t going to be there this morning, and asked if I would do it. I happily agreed! But I was a little bit overwhelmed… I love speaking, especially about the Word, but I did not know the women super well yet. So I prayed and asked the Lord to show me what to talk about. He then led me to 2 Corinthians 4:16 and Colossians 3:1 where it calls us to “fix our eyes on eyes on not what is seen, but what is unseen” and to “set our eyes on things above, not on earthly things.” I began to quickly pull a devotional together about having eternal perspective…. But, before we were about to begin, another staff member, Jackie, said, “Christine told me she was not going to be able to make it this morning, so she asked me yesterday to prepare a devotional for this morning.” I then told her that Brittany (unknowingly) had just asked me to prepare something when she remembered Christine couldn’t make it, but to go ahead and please share what she had prepared because I had only a few minutes to get my thoughts together, and I could share later in the week! So we sat down in a circle, spent time worshiping and praying, and then Jackie got out her bible and said, “The word this morning will be coming from Colossians 3:1.” I JUST ABOUT DIED. I couldn’t believe it…. Well I could- our God the Great I AM! She then talked about setting our eyes on heaven and remembering when things get tough to focus on our inheritance in heaven. I had tears in my eyes the whole time. Then at the end, as is custom, Jackie asked if anyone wanted to share anything or if anyone had any prayer requests… one of the women, Christine (not to be confused with Zion Staff worker Christine), then recounted this story (told in Swahili and then translated):

Christine- One of the Imani women

“I would like to share a bit of my testimony. The word Jackie brought this morning really resonated with me. There are times in this life that are very hard. I used to go to bed at night and still be hungry. So I would go out late at night (without my husband knowing) and prostitute myself for up to 5,000 shillings (about $2) to buy food. But every night I would come home and feel so guilty as to how I was treating my body. One morning as I was praying at church I felt the Lord telling me to leave prostitution. In the following days, there was a crusade at the market. I went with my husband. At the crusade, I fell at his feet and told him everything. I was so ashamed. I told him about the prostitution. He then told me to stand up. He told me that he loved me so much and that he forgives me. Ever since then I have never gone back to prostitution and I am now able to minister and talk with women who are still involved in prostitution and share with them the light of Jesus. This life can be hard, but we have Jesus.”

I was blown away by Christine’s story. What an amazing testimony and picture of God’s grace in forgiving us dirty sinners who prostitute our own hearts multiple multiple MULTIPLE times a day.

Thank you Lord Jesus for placing Colossians 3 on both mine and Jackie’s hearts… it’s exactly what the women needed to hear. It’s exactly what I needed to hear. 

ALSO, HUGE PRAISE: In the middle of our worship time this morning, a woman that no one recognized came in the gate and started to worship with us. At the end of the worship/devotional time, one of the staff workers told me that that was one of the women that we had prayed with out in the community last Wednesday! She happened to be walking down the road and heard our singing worship from the road as she passed our compound. Recognizing the name on the sign as the name that we had shared with her before praying for her, she came in and worshipped with us. Before she left she wanted to know the time we started each morning so that she could come back! AHH PRAISE GOD! He is so good! Be praying for our outreach again tomorrow! 

7) I have absolutely LOVED getting to know the girls better at the rescue home! I love seeing more and more of their personalities every day! But the more I get to know them, the harder their stories and histories become. These girls do not merely represent numbers within sex trafficking statistics. These numbers are the faces of sweet girls I love.

Sweet Naomi, who gives the best hugs: Ran away from an abusive home only to find herself trapped within a group of bad children “because they used to force her to have sex with them and when she said she didn’t want to they would beat her.”

Sweet Espe, who has the biggest smile: says that “some boys would come in groups at night and would sleep with me and it would hurt so I would cry and would tell my mom but she would only beat me.”

Sweet Alloyo, who loves to dance: Her dad used to call men over to rape her… she was only seven. 

Sweet Nancy, who is an amazing leader: A young man caught her on her way home from selling tomatoes when she was 13 and raped her. She became pregnant, found Zion Project, and with much love, counseling, and prayer, changed her mind from wanting an abortion to wanting an adoption for her future child.

I could go on, but I absolutely can’t. My heart hurts too much. You can read more of their histories/stories before coming to Zion Project here: 

http://zionproject.pbworks.com/w/file/fetch/49131683/Zion%20Project%20Children%20Sponsorship%20Cards.pdf

I don’t tell you these stories to make you feel guilty or overwhelmed with sadness. I tell you these stories so that your heart can begin to break in the way the Lord’s breaks for these sweet daughters of His. I tell you these stories so that you aren’t solely praying for the “number” of those women and children trapped in sex trafficking to decrease (as I used to)- but so that you can pray specifically for “Naomi, Espe, Alloyo, Nancy, Jolly, Dorrine, Charlotte, Mercy, Jackie, Gloria, Alfosina, Charlie, Vero, Anita, Janet, Fatuma, and Lucy” – BY NAME.

Me with a few of the girls! Holding them close!

The good news is that through the Lord’s work at Zion Project- these girls have been rescued from their former lives. They have been introduced to Jesus Christ and have the opportunity to go to school… but there is a long road of healing ahead of them.

In talking with Brittany and Hailey, I confess to being so upset sometimes internally when I go over to the house to play and love on the girls. I see their sweet eyes, booming personalities, and big smiles and get SO UPSET AND ANGRY that they were taken advantage of… and in those moments, I’m reminded that I’m not alone in my heartbreak… “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit” (Psalm 34:18).

            My God is a God that knows EXACTLY what it feels like to see someone He loves, His own son, beaten, abused, mocked, and killed. He is a God who hates injustice and who is a righteous judge. He is a God who formed each of those girls in their mother’s womb. He is a God who has a plan and a purpose for each of them far greater than I could ever imagine. And though these promises are easy to believe in my head- in those moments, they are very hard to believe in my heart.

As I travel down the dirt roads everyday here, I see a beautiful country and people that I love. But I also see a country and a people that is picking up the pieces from a devastating war that displaced hundreds of thousands, ripped apart families, and left thousands of children and adults traumatized. One of my boda drives the other day randomly affirmed to me, “Yes, Gulu is finally safe now.” Gulu was a very different town a few years ago… it was a warzone.

I feel like every moment of every day, as I become overwhelmed by an abundance of brokenness, I have to learn to whisper to my Lord, while truly believing it in my heart, “I trust You.” Those three words have such a deeper meaning for me now.

In Summary: Stay tuned for the video of the girl’s dancing to Beyonce’s Move Your Body dance.. and MAYBE me doing Acholi tribal dances; Dancing during church is the BEST; I absolutely LOVE it here; and PRAY for the girls at the rescue home and Northern Uganda.

Arms high and heart abandoned,

Em

p.s. Did I mention that it was hot here!? Because IT IS. I am here during Africa’s “dry” season (AKA SUMMER) and I really think it gets hotter everyday! But don’t worry mom, I’m not sunburned at all!

p.p.s. I SERIOUSLY TEARED up when I heard my boys (THE RAVENS) are in the SUPERBOWL! AHHHHHHHH. I AM SO EXCITED. However, the one superbowl that my Boys are in and that my girl (BEYONCE) is doing the halftime show for, I will be flying over Europe during my long trek home! CHEER LOUD FOR ME PLEASEEEEEEE!