It’s been a silent past few months. Coming off of “the best
4 years of my life” and “summer’s best 12 weeks,” has made it seem like God has
been silent throughout this stage of my life, but he hasn’t- I’ve just been
listening to the wrong things.
Being away from my college roommates, away from my college
ministry, away from a community of Christian girls my age, away from
those that know me best (apart from my family), away from everything that’s
comfortable, away from mentors and those who pushed and challenged me has
been... well... REAL. And I didn’t like it one bit. I thought, “I must’ve heard
God wrong” when I chose to accept my job here in MD and move away from Delaware...
there’s no way that he would want me this lonely and separated from everyone
else.... but maybe that’s exactly what He wanted... to literally strip
everything from me piece by piece to show me what I was really standing on.
A few weeks ago I had by far the worst night at work I’ve had
in the 3 months I’ve been working as a nurse in a Pediatric Intensive Care
Unit. I just barely made it out the hospital doors before I burst into tears...
I naturally started praying and I felt like the Lord was saying, “Em, I don’t just
want to be your shoulder to cry on.” And that broke my heart...because I
couldn’t believe that I had gotten to that point, but when I HONESTLY looked at
my heart, that’s what He has been to me these past few months....which isn’t a
bad thing, but it is when those are the only moments that have driven me into
the Lord’s presence.
From someone who was preaching HARD “whatever the circumstances”
this past September... what I have learned since then, and it may be one of the
only things, is that it’s hard. It’s FREAKING HARD.
I’m happier when nothing goes wrong at work and when there
people home when I get home. And I’m sadder when there’s not. That’s just a
fact. BUT my joy should be the same. My worth should be the same. My identity
should remain the same- all because it’s
grounded on the One who is the same “yesterday, today, and tomorrow”
(Hebrews 13:8).
So where in September my prayer was for the Lord to teach me
how to be content “whatever the circumstances,” my most recent prayer has been,
“how the heck Lord do I keep going, with a genuine
heart that reflects a ‘whatever the circumstances’ attitude when the
circumstances don’t change over hours, weeks, or months? How the HECK do
I press on? How do I persevere?”
For a little reminder (aka smack in the face), the Lord led
me to Hebrews 11 and the beginning of Hebrews 12. There seemed to be a few key
words that were literally jumping off the page:
“By faith we
understand that the universe was formed at God’s command...
By faith Abel
offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did...
By faith Enoch
was taken from this life...
By faith Noah,
when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save
his family...
By faith Abraham,
when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed
and went, even though he did not know where he was going...
By faith Abraham,
even though he was past age-and Sarah herself was barren- was enabled to become
a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise...
By faith Abraham,
when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice...
By faith Isaac
blessed Jacob and Esau in regard to their future...
By faith Jacob,
when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph’s sons and worshipped...
By faith Joseph,
when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt...
By faith Moses’
parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no
ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the King’s edict...
By faith Moses,
refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. He chose to be mistreated
along with the people of God for a short time. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than
the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward...
By faith Moses
left Egypt, not fearing the king’s anger; he persevered because he saw him who
was invisible....
By faith the
people passed through the Red Sea as on dry land...
By faith the
walls of Jericho fell...
By faith the prostitute
Rehab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed...
I do not even have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson,
Jephthah, David, Samuel, and the prophets...THEREFORE, since we have been
surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us THROW OFF everything that
hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance
the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector
of our faith, who for the JOY set before him endured the cross, scorning its
shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such
opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”
How do you press on when circumstances don’t change after
months? When you feel confused and unsure of what is going on and where life is
going? When you miss your friends and fellowship like crazy and just straight
up feel alone? When you keep praying and praying and don’t feel a clear
direction or leading? YOU “CONSIDER HIM.” And I’ve found that once I stop for a
hot second in the midst of my self-pity party and “consider Him,” circumstances
may not change, heck they may not EVER change, BUT I have a renewed
perseverance to run the race because JESUS did. And it may not be the race I
necessarily would’ve chosen- but the one that was chosen and marked out for
me by a God who knows me and a God that promises “in all things to work for
the good of those who love Him” (Romans 8:28).
Just like the cross wasn’t necessarily the exact path Jesus
would’ve chosen, but He chose to pick up his cross anyway because He knew,
trusted, and loved His father. That’s a God that’s more than a shoulder to cry
on- that’s a God who deserves to be trusted with my everything, WHATEVER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
Tim Keller once said, “God will answer all of our prayers exactly like
we would answer our prayers if we knew all he knew."
And what if the Lord does change your circumstances to, in
your opinion, more “favorable ones” and answers your prayers “like you would”?
When “good days” at work came my way, or when I was able to reconnect
with friends in Delaware, or if we were having a “family dinner” with our mids
from the Academy- it revealed the other half of my sinful heart. Half of my
heart was losing faith after long hard weeks that turned to months, but the
other half was not making time for Him when things were “okay” and more “favorable,”
and He slowly started to become, unknowingly in those moments, ‘just a shoulder
to cry on.’
Prone to wander, Lord
I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.
So the most recent cry of my heart has been:
“Keep falsehood and lies from me,
give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me ONLY my daily bread.
Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, ‘Who is the Lord?’” –
Proverbs 30:8-9
Here’s my heart Lord,
take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.... DAILY... EVERY SECOND. What
a beautiful MESS we are.
I realize this post is basically just me re-stating all of
Hebrews 11... but God always has better things to say than I do anyways.
Finding joy in every moment as I “consider Him,”
em
 |
| AMSTEL 206, missing you always, and wishing California, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Delaware were all just a tad bit closer.... "considering HIM." <3 |
