Consider Him.

It’s been a silent past few months. Coming off of “the best 4 years of my life” and “summer’s best 12 weeks,” has made it seem like God has been silent throughout this stage of my life, but he hasn’t- I’ve just been listening to the wrong things.

Being away from my college roommates, away from my college ministry, away from a community of Christian girls my age, away from those that know me best (apart from my family), away from everything that’s comfortable, away from mentors and those who pushed and challenged me has been... well... REAL. And I didn’t like it one bit. I thought, “I must’ve heard God wrong” when I chose to accept my job here in MD and move away from Delaware... there’s no way that he would want me this lonely and separated from everyone else.... but maybe that’s exactly what He wanted... to literally strip everything from me piece by piece to show me what I was really standing on.

A few weeks ago I had by far the worst night at work I’ve had in the 3 months I’ve been working as a nurse in a Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. I just barely made it out the hospital doors before I burst into tears... I naturally started praying and I felt like the Lord was saying, “Em, I don’t just want to be your shoulder to cry on.” And that broke my heart...because I couldn’t believe that I had gotten to that point, but when I HONESTLY looked at my heart, that’s what He has been to me these past few months....which isn’t a bad thing, but it is when those are the only moments that have driven me into the Lord’s presence.

From someone who was preaching HARD “whatever the circumstances” this past September... what I have learned since then, and it may be one of the only things, is that it’s hard. It’s FREAKING HARD.

I’m happier when nothing goes wrong at work and when there people home when I get home. And I’m sadder when there’s not. That’s just a fact. BUT my joy should be the same. My worth should be the same. My identity should remain the same- all because it’s grounded on the One who is the same “yesterday, today, and tomorrow” (Hebrews 13:8).

So where in September my prayer was for the Lord to teach me how to be content “whatever the circumstances,” my most recent prayer has been, “how the heck Lord do I keep going, with a genuine heart that reflects a ‘whatever the circumstances’ attitude when the circumstances don’t change over hours, weeks, or months? How the HECK do I press on? How do I persevere?”

For a little reminder (aka smack in the face), the Lord led me to Hebrews 11 and the beginning of Hebrews 12. There seemed to be a few key words that were literally jumping off the page:

“By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command...

By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did...

By faith Enoch was taken from this life...

By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family...

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going...

By faith Abraham, even though he was past age-and Sarah herself was barren- was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise...

By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice...

By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau in regard to their future...

By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph’s sons and worshipped...

By faith Joseph, when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt...

By faith Moses’ parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the King’s edict...

By faith Moses, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God for a short time. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward...

By faith Moses left Egypt, not fearing the king’s anger; he persevered because he saw him who was invisible....

By faith the people passed through the Red Sea as on dry land...

By faith the walls of Jericho fell...

By faith the prostitute Rehab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed...

I do not even have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, and the prophets...THEREFORE, since we have been surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us THROW OFF everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the JOY set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

How do you press on when circumstances don’t change after months? When you feel confused and unsure of what is going on and where life is going? When you miss your friends and fellowship like crazy and just straight up feel alone? When you keep praying and praying and don’t feel a clear direction or leading? YOU “CONSIDER HIM.” And I’ve found that once I stop for a hot second in the midst of my self-pity party and “consider Him,” circumstances may not change, heck they may not EVER change, BUT I have a renewed perseverance to run the race because JESUS did. And it may not be the race I necessarily would’ve chosen- but the one that was chosen and marked out for me by a God who knows me and a God that promises “in all things to work for the good of those who love Him” (Romans 8:28).

Just like the cross wasn’t necessarily the exact path Jesus would’ve chosen, but He chose to pick up his cross anyway because He knew, trusted, and loved His father. That’s a God that’s more than a shoulder to cry on- that’s a God who deserves to be trusted with my everything, WHATEVER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

Tim Keller once said, “God will answer all of our prayers exactly like we would answer our prayers if we knew all he knew."

And what if the Lord does change your circumstances to, in your opinion, more “favorable ones” and answers your prayers “like you would”?

When “good days” at work came my way, or when I was able to reconnect with friends in Delaware, or if we were having a “family dinner” with our mids from the Academy- it revealed the other half of my sinful heart. Half of my heart was losing faith after long hard weeks that turned to months, but the other half was not making time for Him when things were “okay” and more “favorable,” and He slowly started to become, unknowingly in those moments, ‘just a shoulder to cry on.’

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.  

So the most recent cry of my heart has been:

“Keep falsehood and lies from me, give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me ONLY my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, ‘Who is the Lord?’” – Proverbs 30:8-9

Here’s my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.... DAILY... EVERY SECOND. What a beautiful MESS we are.

I realize this post is basically just me re-stating all of Hebrews 11... but God always has better things to say than I do anyways.

Finding joy in every moment as I “consider Him,”

em

AMSTEL 206, missing you always, and wishing California, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Delaware were all just a tad bit closer.... "considering HIM." <3